Christmas in Mayberry, the Musical

Opening Scene – Home for the Holidays

Revised- 8-4-25

Cast- Andy, Barney, Otis, Back-up Singers

[Andy at desk. Manhunt music; Barney and Otis enter the Courthouse. Otis is under arrest.]

Andy- What in the world is going on here?

Otis- Andy, I was just minding my own business and coming in to sleep it off, like I always do, when this boob arrested me for being drunk in public.

Barney- Oh, pipe down Otis. You got the right to remain silent.

Otis- You gonna make me remain silent?

Barney- Yeah!

Otis- Yeah?

Barney- Yeah!

Andy- You two settle down. Now listen, it’s two days ’til Christmas. Where’s your Christmas spirit?

Barney- Oh, he probably drank it.

Otis- Did not!

Barney Did too!

Andy- Now boys, stop it. Now Barney tell me what happened.

Barney- Andy, I caught Otis in a violation of Municipal Code 404-B and Ordinance 502, Section 10-17. (flipping open the ticket book)

Andy- Dipping a hat in a horse trough?

Barney- No. Drinking in public.

Andy- Well Barn, Otis is always drinking in public. That’s why he comes in and locks “hisself” up every weekend.

Barney- Now Andy, I’ve got this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?

Andy- What?

Barney- He said, “What line?” Can you believe that? Now, I’ve got this one right Andy. He was three sheets to the wind,

Andy- Three sheets? That’s pretty sheety.

Andy- That right Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife “what line?

Otis- Yeah, but I didn’t have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can’t see much without my specs.

Andy- Now Otis, when Deputy Fife arrested you, were you drunk?

Otis- I don’t remember. I wasn’t wearing my glasses.

Barney- Now Andy, you know what we gotta do?

Andy- What?

Barney- We gotta nip it! We gotta nip it in the bud. (Revs up the crowd) First sign of criminal activity you got to nip it in the bud. First you got one drunk and the next thing you know everybody’s drunk.

Andy- Now Barney.

Barney- You can’t just mollycoddle around Andy. Nip it! You go read any book you want on law enforcement, including the FBI and the IRS, and you’ll find that every one of them is in favor of bud nippin. The DOJ is even bud nippin Donald Trump.

There’s only one way to take care of it. You know what we gotta do?

Andy- Nip it?

Barney- In the bud!

Andy- Well now Otis you’ve been officially charged with nippin. (Barney rolls his eyes). That’s gonna be a $2 fine or 24 hours in jail. What will it be?

Otis- I’ll take 24 hours in jail. I wouldn’t waste $2 on anything that doesn’t have a cork in it.

Andy- I guess you’re gonna have to spend Christmas locked up in jail. You know it seems like since you are about the only married man in Mayberry you would want to spend the Christmas holidays at home with you wife.

Otis- (deadpans) What kind of holiday would that be?

Andy- Well, come on Otis. Got to lock you up in your home away from “home for the holidays.”

Barney- Wait a minute Andy. Now prisoner, there are a few things we need to get straightened out right at the start to avoid any grief later.

Now here at “The Rock” we have two basic rules, but I have added a third one based on the seriousness of your crime.

The first rule is: Obey all rules.

Secondly, do not write on the walls as it takes a lot of work to erase writing off of walls.

And thirdly, there will be absolutely no hooch, booze, sauce, happy water, moonshine or rotgut allowed in the cell at any time.

Otis- No nipping?

Barney- Nip it Otis!

Otis- What if it’s already in my stomach?

Barney- (befuddled) Oh, well…. that’s okay. Internal possession is 9/10ths of the law.

(Barney walks in jail without Otis)

Barney- Yes, take a good look prisoner because it is definitely no fun when that iron door clangs shut on you. (locks himself in the jail and can’t get out).

Andy- He’s right Otis. It is definitely no fun when that plastic door clangs shut on you (they laugh; Barney fumes)

Barney- You wanna let me out funny guy?

Andy- You gonna make me?

Barney- Yeah!

Andy- Yeah?

Barney- Yeah.

Otis (teases Barney)- Barney’s in jail. Barney’s in jail.

Barney- Nip it! Nip it! Nip it! Nip it! (etc)

Andy- Alright! Otis you wanna get them keys out of the drawer and release the deputy? I think he’s paid his debt to society. And make sure he didn’t write on the walls.

(Otis gets the keys and walks around and enters on back side of the jail and when he comes in, he leans on the bars and looks at Barney).

Otis- (to Barney, like he’s drunk) What you in here for buddy?

Barney- Oh shut up Otis and open the door.

Otis- You gonna make me?

Barney- Yeah!

Otis- Yeah?

Barney- Yeah!

Andy- Ya’ll stop it. It’s Christmas! Otis, unlock the door and let him out.

(Barney comes out hanging his head and pouting)

Andy- (to Barney) It’s okay Barn. But remember. Rule #4 – Always make sure you do the iron clanging from the outside of the jail.

Barney- Oh, you’re real funny aren’t you? Laugh a minute Taylor. A regular Bozo the Clown. Why don’t you get a big red nose and join Bozo’s circus.

Otis hangs a wreath on the door while humming a few bars of “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays. Andy sings the intro. Otis and Barney follow (all in their best Perry Como). Barney is sweeping off to the side.

Andy- Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays. Cause no matter how far away you roam. When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze, for the holidays, you can’t beat home sweet home.

Otis- I met a man who lives in Tennessee, and he was heading for Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie. From Pennsylvania folks are travelin’ down the Dixie sunny shore, from Atlantic to Pacific, Gee the traffic is terrific.

(Otis and Andy) Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays, cause no matter how far away you roam, if you wanna be happy in a million ways, for the holidays you can’t beat home sweet home.

Back-up singers pop up in the audience- Take a bus, take a train, go and hop an aeroplane. Put the wife and kiddies in the family car. For the pleasure that you bring when you make that doorbell ring, no trip could be too far!

Barney- I met a man who lives in Tennessee, and he was heading for Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie. From Pennsylvania folks are travelin’ down the Dixie sunny shore, from Atlantic to Pacific, gee the traffic is terrific.

All- (in front of cell; Otis still inside; gets head stuck between bars but still singing) Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays, cause no matter how far away you roam.

Barney- If you wanna be happy in a million ways.

All- For the holidays you can’t beat home sweet home.

All (big finish) For the holidays you can’t beat home sweet home.

(Andy leaves)

Scene 2 (Fun Girls Scene follows)

Scene 2 – All the Fun Girls Want for Christmas

Revised- 8-4-23

(all are free to do improvisation)

Cast- Barney, Otis, Skippy & Daphne

Framework-

(Barney at the desk. Otis in the cell)

Otis- Hey Barney, how about turning on the radio so we can listen to some good ole Christmas Music.

RADIO BIT

Barney turns it on and starts turning the dial trying to find a station. There is a variety of songs, each lasting about 5 seconds or so, as he switches from one to the other. He comes on Andy’s What It Was Was Football and it won’t go off no matter how many times he turns the dial or beats on the radio. He unplugs it and it stops (shows plug to the crowd.)

Finally he plugs it back in and it starts again. He dials it, beats it, but it keeps playing. Finally, he grabs the gavel off the desk to smash the radio. When he raises the gavel, the sound stops. He then dials it to Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You.’ He uses the gavel as a microphone and lip synchs the intro of the song.

Fun Girls enter through the back; they flirt and frolic before they finally make it to the stage by time the song ends.

Fun Girls- Surprise!!

Skippy- Hey Bernie, remember us from the Kit Kat Club in Mt. Pilot?

Bernie- Sure I remember ya’ll. How could I forget. Skippy. Daphne.

(Daphne gets right in his face and says) Hello Doll (in her cigarette smoking voice)

Barney (breath taken away) You need a Tic Tac (or to wear a mask). What brings you girls to town?

Skippy- An Uber driver. (both laugh and snort)

Daphne- But seriously, we’re just going around to see some of our friends and singing Christmas carols.

Skippy- Yeah Bernie. We’ve already been to the Kit Kat Club, but they weren’t celebrating Christmas there.

Barney- It’s….. Barney.

Skippy- But they told us where we could go.

Daphne- Yeah, but we didn’t want to go there cause it’s too hot, right Skippy?

(Laugh, giggle, snort)

Skippy- It’s too hot. Oh Daph, you kill me (laughs, giggles, snorts a lot). (Flirts with Bernie) But Bernie, imagine how hot it would be if we were there.

(Laugh, giggle, snort)

Barney- It’s….. Barney. B-A-R-N-E-Y. Yeah, it’d be hot alright. It’s getting’ kind hot in here, too.

Daphne- You got that right Bernie. (slaps him on the back). Say, where’s the sheriff?

Barney- Oh, he’s out on patrol… you know, keeping everybody safe for the holidays.

Daphne- Oh I wish he was here. He’s a real doll.

Barney- He’s a doll alright.

Skippy- Hey Bernie, can we do our Christmas song for you and the cute chubby drunk over there?

Barney- Barney. Sure I don’t see why not. After all, it is Christmas.

Skippy (pulls up a chair) Good. You sit right here so you won’t miss a thing.

(Skippy pulls out a 45 rpm record out of her blouse and puts it on the player. Daphne lets Otis out of the cell)

Daphne to Otis (and flirts with him). You sit here Teddy Bear and enjoy the show.

Otis- I already am.

(Skippy turns on the record player and runs back over by Daphne; facing the audience. Song starts when they are ready lip synch Mean Girls version of Jingle Bell Rock; PG version.

After they finish, Barney and Otis give them a standing ovation.

(The girls go over to hug; Skippy/Bernie. Daphne/Teddy.)

(The Fun Girls are lip synching, but when the record starts to skip, they start to sing along and get the audience to join in. (Piano player runs up to play the finale live. Need piano and piano player)

(Applause)

Skippy to Barney- Hey Bernie, how about a picture of you and me and Daph?

Daphne- Yeah, you can take it Teddy Bear (hands old Poloroid camera to Otis).

They pose for photo.

Otis- Okay. Everybody smile and say cheese! (big smiles)

Barney- I can’t stop smiling.

Otis- Okay on the count of 3. 1 – 2 – (big flash) – 3!

(On three, Skippy and Daphne plant and hold big red lipstick kisses on Barney’s ‘facial’ cheeks. 😊 )

(Barney’s eyes open real wide; big smile, too).

Barney to audience- I can’t stop smiling Teddy!

Otis- Well, girls just wanna have fun.

(part of chorus of Girls Just Want to Have Fun come on as they leave.

Fun girls start to run off the stage and back through the audience and say: Merry Christmas Bernie! Merry Christmas Teddy!

Scene 3- The Gomer Scene Follows

Christmas in Mayberry

Scene 3 – Gomer’s Surprise

Revised- 8-23

Cast- Andy, Gomer, The Pyletts

Andy goes back on stage.

(Gomer comes in the courthouse)

Gomer- Hey Andy.

Andy- Hey Gomer.

Andy- What are you doing down here? Ain’t you supposed to be pumping gas?

Gomer- Well, Wally let us close down early today so me and Goober could do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Andy- Oh that was nice. What’s the cost of a gallon of gas over at Wally’s now?

Gomer- 27 cents a gallon. Can you believe that?

Andy- I declare, if the price keeps going up, gas is gonna cost more than bacon.

Gomer- How much does bacon cost?

Andy- 67 cents.

Gomer- A gallon?

Andy- 67 cents a pound.

Gomer- By golly, you’re right. Gas is gonna be more expensive than bacon. (they laugh)

Boy I tell ya, Goober sure is hard to shop for. I was thankin’ to myself, “how do you buy a Christmas present for somebody’s who’s got everything?”

Andy- Yeah, he’s got about everything he needs. You could get him some comic books. He loves ‘em, especially Trump Monster (or other funny name).

Gomer- Yeah. That’s a good idea. I’ll get him a comic book or two. What you working on Andy?

Andy- Oh I got to find us a Santy Claus for tonight’s Christmas party for the underprivileged kids.

You know I’z reading just the other day in the paper that there are over 400 needy boys right here in our county alone. That’s about 1 and a half boys per square mile.

Gomer- There is?

Andy- Sure is.

Gomer- I never seen one before.

Andy- Never seen what?

Gomer- A half a boy.

Andy- Well Gomer. It’s not really a half a boy. It’s a ratio.

Gomer- (dumb look) Horatio who?

Andy- Not Horatio. A ratio. You know like mathematics, arithmetic, and what not. (dumber look from Gomer). Well, just forget that part. Just forget about the part about the half a boy.

Gomer- Sure is hard to forget something like that.

Andy- Well try as hard as you can.

Gomer- Poor Horatio.

Andy- Now Gomer, Horatio is not the only needy boy… now listen, I got to find us a Santy Claus real fast or there’s gonna be a whole bunch of kids that are going to be disappointed.

(Gomer picks up a sea shell from the desk)

Gomer- Hey Andy, what’s this?

Andy- It’s a sea shell. I got it over at Ben Weaver’s store. I thought Opie might like it for Christmas.

Gomer- Goooooooleeee. (holds it). Would you look at that? Wonder what used to live in there?

Andy- I don’t know. But if you hold it up to your ear (sounds like “your rear’) you can hear the sound of the ocean.

Gomer- You’re kidding me. What ocean?

Andy- I don’t know. Just sounds like the ocean. Go ahead and try it. Hold it up to your ear (rear).

(Gomer thinks for a second and then holds the shell to his rear on the cheek closest to the audience.)

Gomer- (dumbfounded) I don’t hear nothing.

Andy- (does a take to the audience) Gomer, not your rear, your ear!

Gomer- Ohhh. (stupid defensive smile). I knew that. (holds it to his ear)

Shazam! I CAN hear the ocean. Wonder if it’s the Atlantic Ocean or the Specific Ocean?

Andy- It’s not a specific ocean Gomer, it’s just an ocean.

Gomer- Gooooooleeeeee! Ain’t that something? Sounds like the Specific Ocean to me, you know like out there in Californy. What ocean do you think it is Andy?

Andy- Uh Gomer…..I got to find us a Santy Claus.

Gomer- Oh yeah. Can’t Barney play Santy Claus?

Andy- No, he’s too skinny.

Gomer- How about the mayor? He aint’ too skinny.

Andy- No, he’s too busy.

Gomer- How about Otis Campbell? He sure ain’t too skinny or too busy.

Andy and Gomer (looking at each other and saying it together) Too drunk!

Andy- I don’t want him drinking and driving the sleigh. Might crash into a chimney. (they laugh)

Gomer- Gosh, finding a Santy Claus is a lot more work that I thought it was.

Andy- Yeah I know. Say have you picked out a song to sing at the Christmas Musi-kal?

Gomer- Yep. Sure have. Do you want to hear it?

Andy- Sure. You gonna sing acapella?

Gomer- No, I don’t know that one. I’m gonna sang Jingle Bells.

(Gomer pulls out a 45 record from his bag and puts it on the record player. He slips on his green sweater and then whistles and the back-up singers (The Pyletts) come on the stage; two Pyletts).

Gomer- (looks at Andy and smiles) Surprise, surprise, surprise! These are my back-up singers… the Pyletts.

Andy- The Pilots?

Gomer- No, the Pyletts. Like Gomer Pyle and the Pyletts, you know like Gladys Knight and the Pimps.

Andy- It’s Gladys Knight and the Pips, not pimps.

Gomer- Alrighty, here we go!

(Lip synches Jim Nabors singing Jingle Bells. (receives standing ovation…. Maybe)

Andy- That sounds great! I can’t wait to hear it again tomorrow night.

Gomer- Oh, I thank I can find you a Santy Claus.

Andy- You can? Who is it?

Gomer- (locks his lips with a key) Tick a lock. It will be a big surprise. We’ll gotta go Andy. Got some shopping to do. Merry Christmas to you and yours. (Pyletts take him by the arms). Gomer blushes and says “Gooooooooleeee”

Andy- Merry Christmas to you, too Gomer…. and Merry Christmas to the Pyletts. (They blow kisses).

(Gomer starts walking out and stops) Hey Andy, Goober says Merry Christmas.

Andy- Merry Christmas to Goober.

(leaves to Jingle Bells instrumental)

Props- sea shell, shopping bag with 45 record, a lime green sweater, 2 mike stands and mikes for the Pyletts.

Scene 4 – Ernest T. Claus

Christmas in Mayberry, the Musical

Scene 4 – Earnest T. Claus

Revised – 8-23

Cast- Ernest T, Andy, Barney

(A Christmas package comes through a window (rock with a note in the box). (glass breaking sound effect)

Barney- Somebody just threw a Christmas present right through the courthouse window!

Andy- Must have fallen off Santy’s sleigh. Open it up.

Barney- It’s a rock….. with a note on it.

Andy- What does it say?

Barney- It says, Ha, ha! I bet you don’t know the next line. (Does “take” to the audience) (flips to another note) It’s says Let’s Go Brandon! And ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

Andy- You don’t think……

(Ernest T runs through the audience. Runs in doing the Ernest T thing and throwing Christmas candy into the audience; wearing Santa Claus hat and beard)

Enters the courthouse and turns to the audience and says: It’s me, it’s me, it’s Santy C.

Andy- Ernest T. Bass, is that you?

Ernest T- (pulls back the beard and says, “One and the same. Bass is the name… cept on Christmas Eve. You can call me Jolly ole Saint Niko-o-lis.

Barney- What are you talking about Ernest T?

Ernest T- I want to be your Santy Claus at the party tomorrow night.

Barney- What?

Andy- Did Gomer put you up to this? (ER doesn’t answer him)

Ernest T- I plead the fifth commandment.

Andy- Honor they father and thy mother?

Ernest T- My lips are sealed. Tick a lock.

Barney- Your lips ain’t never sealed. (Add joke) What in the world makes you think you could be Santy Claus? You would frighten the kids to death. They’d have nightmares.

Ernest T- Well, I’m jolly and an able bodied man, cept for my pot belly (sticks it out). Santy’s got one too (sticks it out again). Where else could you find a Santy what could chin hisself (Barney and Andy together- himself) himself 20 times with just one hand…. What could dip in a barrel of water and pick out a watermelon with his jaws….what could chuck a full grown jack….. (everybody interrupts him) … donkey cross his shoulders and tote him 5 miles to the doctor?

Andy- Ernest T, that ain’t nothing to do with being Santy Claus. No sir, you can’t do it.

Ernest T- Sheriff, if you don’t let me be Santy Claus, I’m gonna bust out every window in this town!

Andy- Andy I’ll have to lock you up for Christmas.

Barney- Oh, come on Ang. It’s Christmas! Let Ernest T. be Santy Claus. What’s it gonna hurt?

Andy- Well, I don’t know Barney… he might terrify the children.

Ernest T- Sheriff (to the tune of nah, nah, nah, nah, nah) I am gonna be San-ty Claus and you can’t stop me. Neeee!

Andy- Now Ernest T. tell me why dressing up as Santy Claus is so important to you?

Ernest T- (pouting) Sheriff, I just want to wear a uniform just so I can get a girl. I tried joining the army and get one of them uniforms, but they wouldn’t let me in. They said….. xxxxxx

Andy- Now let me get this clear in my mind. You mean all you want is a uniform. A Santy Claus uniform?

Ernest T- Girls….and love. You know what it the truth Sheriff? As clever and as good looking as I am, I just can’t get a girl.

Barney- You’re kidding! (sarcastically)

Ernest T- Oh there’s 3 or 4 girls back in the mountains would be mine if I had a uniform. You oughta see em… around ole Jel-sick Sturm when he comes back home with his army uniform on. Jel-sick… walk with me. Jel-sick….dance with me…. Jel-sick….kiss my mouth.

Ernest T- I got everything but…. I got looks. I got brains. I got personality. I kiss good.

Barney- (under his breath and sarcastically) You’re a nut!

Ernest T- The only thing standing between me and sweet romance is that uniform.

Barney- Come on Ang. Let him do it. Let him be Santy Claus. It’s just for one night. Maybe it will keep him busy so he won’t bust out all the windows. It’s cold out there.

Andy- Alright, but just for the underprivileged kids. Okay, Jolly Ole Saint Bass. You’ve got the part. Tomorrow night at 6 pm. Barn, give him the Santy outfit. (Barney hands to Ernest T)

Ernest T. (puts on shirt and pants) A man in un-i-form. I won’t let you down Sheriff. Now Dasher, now Prancer and Vixen. On Comet, on Cupid on Donder and Blitzen…..

Barney- Don’t forget Rudolph!

Ernest T- Oh yeah, and Rudolph. To the top of the porch, To the top of the wall. Now dash away, dash away, dash away all. (Ernest T. laugh)

Runs out in the audience. Merry Christmas to you and you and you…. And Merry Christmas to you (pretty girl; maybe his real wife so they can kiss) I think I love you. Don’t you just love a man in a un-i-form? Wanna go on a sleigh ride? He, he, he. I mean Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! (Runs out holding hands with the lady; they skip out)

(They both go skipping off: ET and the girl throwing more candy.)

Andy- There goes a happy man.

Barney- There goes a happy nut!

(Santa Claus is Coming to Town music)

Needs: Big bag full of candy. Maybe a pie in the face (of someone who knows it’s coming)

Next – Scene 5 – The Christmas Story

Christmas in Mayberry

Scene 5 – The Mayberry Quartet

Revised- 8-23

Cast- Andy, Barney, Mayor Stoner, Rafe Holister

(Barney goes in the back room of the courthouse)

Mayor- (enters) Have you heard the News?

Andy- Howdy Mayor. What news?

Mayor- The Mayberry Quartet will be singing at the Christmas Musi-kal’ tomorrow night (pronounced that way, not musical)

Andy- Well that’s great news!

Mayor- Yes, but as you’ve probably heard, Howard Sprague had to drop out because he got laryngitis (or Covid) we need to find one more member for our group.

Andy- Well, who do we have now?

Mayor- Me of course. I’ll be singing lead. And you Andrew, you’ll be singing bass. And then we got Otis Campbell. I declare, who would believe that the town drunk of Mayberry could have such a beautiful tenor voice?

Andy- Yeah, I guess a steady dose of corn mash is good for the vocal chords.

Mayor- But not for the liver! (they laugh)

Andy- Yeah, now all we got to do is lock him up for a couple of days to make sure he’s sober for the musi-kal.

Andy- Say, how about Gomer Pyle filling in? He sings pretty good.

Mayor- Oh Pyle can’t really sing at all. He’s Mayberry’s version of Milli Vinilli He lips syncs all his songs (to audience) as you all saw earlier.

Andy- Now Mayor, you know that Barney wants to sing in the quartet real bad.

Mayor- Fife? Oh it would be real bad alright. He’s already auditioned 10 times. We’ve had to stop him in the middle of every song because he’s so bad. He can’t carry a tune in bucket. No, the boy can’t sing at all. Not-a-lick.

Andy- But maybe we could just let him kinda blend in with the others. He’s been practicing every day and has been spraying his throat with honey to soften his vocal cords. (hears Barney warming up)

Barney- (off key) Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Mayor- Andrew, not even a voice box transplant could help him sound any better. I declare, it’s like hearing somebody scratching their fingernails on a chalk board. It makes my skin crawl. I’m telling you Andy, the man can’t sing.

Barney- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Andy- (agreeing) Not a lick!

Mayor- Sheriff, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I know a famous singer that just happens to be a close personal friend of mine. I’m going to give him a call to see if he could help us out.

Andy- Who is it?

Mayor- Englebert Humperdink.

Andy- Englebert Humperdink (says it just like the mayor). Is he still alive?

Major- Sheriff, remember, the play is set in 1961. He’d be about 25 years old.

Andy- Oh yeah, I forgot. How do you know Englebert Humperdink?

Major- Well he was doing a show up in Pigeon Forge. We met him and he gave Mrs. Stoner an autograph. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? (Andy says: What?) HE KISSED HERE RIGHT FLAT OF THE MOUTH! (he’s not too happy with that)

I saw in the Gazette that he’s doing a show in Charlotte this week. I’m gonna give him a call. We’re such close friends. I just know he’ll help us out.

Andy- Englebert Humperdink ain’t coming down here. You know how them big celebrities are.

(goes to the phone anyway)

Mayor- Nonsense. Alexa, this is Mayor Stoner. I want you to connect me to the Piedmont Hotel in Charlotte.

Mayor- (talking to Alexa). You did? Oh you poor thang. You sound just like Sara. No, not Siri. Sara, our former operator. Well just take a big pinch of snuff. That always makes you feel better. Alexa. Alexi “stop.” Hang up now.

Mayor- Hello is this the Piedmont? Yes, this is Roy Stoner. I’m the mayor down here in Mayberry. I’d like to speak to one of your special guests. Stoner. Roy Stoner. Yes, I’d like to speak to Mr. Englebert Humperdink. Yes, I’m sure he’ll take my call. We’re like family. Thank you very much.

Mayor- Hello. Hello Bert? Roy Stoner. We met in Pigeon Forge last summer, remember? Stoner. Roy Stoner. Yes, now I know you have a busy schedule, especially during this time of the year, but we are looking for someone to fill in on our quartet that’ll be singing at the Mayberry Christmas Musi-kal tomorrow night and I thought you would be the perfect choice to help us out. We could pay you $25 dollars! Stoner. Mayor Roy Stoner. S-t-o-n-e-r. Stoner. Mayberry. M-A-Y-B-E-R-R-Y. You gave my wife an autograph and kissed her right on the mouth.

Mayor- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

(deadpans Andy while holding his hand over the mouthpiece)

Andy: What did he say?

Mayor- He said “no”.

Mayor- Well, thank you for your time. Merry Christmas to all the Humperdinks! Oh, excuse me. Happy Hanukkah to the Humperdinks! (mumbles and grumbles his disappointment)

Andy- Well that didn’t work out too good did it? Well, the good news is Barney Fiferdink is still available. (laughs)

Mayor- Sheriff, I’d change the name to the Mayberry Trio before Fife gets in. We don’t want to be the laughing stock of the Christmas Musi-kal!

(Rafe Holister enters)

Andy- Howdy Rafe.

Rafe- Howdy Sheriff.

Mayor- Hello Mr. Holister. Roy Stoner.

Rafe- Hello. What was that name again. (Stoner glares at Andy who is laughing)

Mayor- Stoner. S-t-o-n-e-r. Roy Stoner. Mayor Roy Stoner. M-a-y-o-r.

Andy- Rafe was one of our special guests for about ten days a while back. He was cooking a little brew up on Willow Creek Road.

Rafe- But I done my time and I’m a Christian now. I’m a new creation. Ain’t been moonshinin’ since. Well, I mean not so as you could notice.

Andy- He’s a Baptist.

Andy- What you got there?

Rafe- A mesh of fresh snap beans. Your Aunt Bea asked me to drop them off here for some kind a doing she’s got going.

Andy- Oh yeah, they’re nice. Must be for the big pot luck supper after the Musi-kal.

Barney practicing- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

(Rafe looks at Andy like, “What is that?”)

Andy- That’s Barney.

Rafe- How long has he been ailing?

Andy- He’s just practicing up on his singing voice.

Rafe- What’s he tryin’ to do to it? (They laugh)

(Barney brings guitar to Andy)

Barney- If you were any kind of friend, you’d be a help and not a hindrance.

Barney- Howdy Rafe, Mayor.

Andy- Alright.

Barney- Give me a C flat on that thang please. I wanna check my pitch.

Andy- Why don’t I just give you a C and let you flatten it out by yourself?

Barney- Just give a C flat Uncle Miltie.

Andy- What do you want to sing?

Barney- I don’t know. I thought I’d do something from the light classics. Sort of a toss between Tico Tico and the Umbrella Man or we can go all the way with Moon of Mankura (should be Man of Manchuria)

Andy- I can’t help you out much with any of them, but maybe since you’re doing something from the light classics….You know “Believe me If all Them Endearing Young Charms, don’t ya?

Barney- That Shirley Temple song? Ain’t much of a challenge. It’s alright for a warmer-upper.

(Barney sings it….. badly)

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms.

Which I gaze on so fondly today (Rafe starts interrupting)

Were to change by tomorrow and fleet in my arms.

Rafe- (starts interrupting Barney on the second line) Barney, Barney, Barney.

Rafe- Don’t want to butt in none, but that ain’t how it goes.

Andy- Your endearing wasn’t too charming Barn.

Rafe- It goes la, la, la, la, la, la, al, la, la de, la. That’s how it goes.

Andy- Rafe’s right Barn.

Barney- Well, that’s just another way of doing it. Same song.

Andy- Good thing you showed up, Rafe.

Mayor- Yes, it is.

Andy- Why don’t you sing along?

Mayor- Yes, indeed. Why don’t you sing along Mr. Holister?

Andy- You don’t mind do you Barn?

Barney- Well, no. It will be a little tough for you to keep up Rafe. Just sing along the best you can. Sing along with Barn! (like sing along with Mitch)

Andy- Okay, here we go.

Barney- Hold it! (sprays bug spray in his throat).

(They sing. Rafe kills it. Barney quits right in the middle of it.

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,

Which I gaze on so fondly today.

Were to change by tomorrow

And fleet in my arms

Like fairy gifts fading away.

Thou wouldst still be adored

As this moment thou art

Let thy loveliness fade as it will

And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart

Would entwine itself verdantly still.

(applause sign girl or hand sign)

Andy- Hey. Well that was some kind of good. I forgot what a good set of pipes you got on you Rafe.

Andy (to Barney)- Why didn’t you keep singing?

Barney- It wasn’t in my key.

Mayor- Sheriff, I think we’ve found our man. Holister, how would you like to sing with the Mayberry Quartet tomorrow night in the Christmas Musi-kal?

Barney- What?

Rafe- I couldn’t do that.

Andy- Why not?

Rafe- Cause!

Mayor- I’ve never heard such a beautiful singing voice….except for my own of course. How about it?

Andy- I think you’d be a great addition to the quartet, Rafe.

Rafe- Well, since nobody’s around to hear me when I’m singing in the shower, I guess I will.

Andy and Mayor- And thank the Lord for that. Ah, good, good, etc.

(Barney storms out)

Andy- I believe we hurt Barney’s feelings, Mayor.

Mayor- Better we hurt his feelings than him hurting ours by letting him sing. He’ll have to put on his big boy britches and get over it.

Andy- I don’t know if he will.

Mayor- There’s nothing we could do about it Sheriff. That man just CAN NOT sing!

Rafe- Not at lick!

Mayor- You all meet me at the Church to practice. I’ll be there as soon as I practice my solo.

(Mayor sings “O Holy Night) (Scene 6 – Christmas Story follows)

Christmas in Mayberry

Scene 6 – The Christmas Story

Revised- 8-23

Sleigh Ride instrumental to start the scene.

(Barney brings in three prisoners).

(Phone rings)

Andy: Sheriff’s office. Awe, hey Aunt Bee. Yes ma’am, I do the do-dads for the tree and Elinor, she’s bringin’ the egg nog and now all we got to have is someone to play Santy Claus for tonight and we’ll be all set.

No, I don’t want to be Santy Claus again this year. I was last year. What? Barney? Well I recon I could tell Opie that Santy Claus has been on a diet and lost 50 pounds on Nutra System like Marie Osmond did, again.

I still think he’s a might skinny for the job, but I’ll try.

Hey Barney, say something like Santy Claus.

Barney: (glum) Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas.

Andy: Try puttin’ a poo on the end of it.

Awe nothin’ Aunt Bee, I’z just pickin’ a Barney a little bit.

I’ll be home pretty soon. Couple of hours, I recon. Ain’t much goin’ on down here.

Alright, bye.

Oh boy, we’re gonna have a good time tonight. Aunt Bee’s got everything. We gonna sing and laugh and you’ll be Santy Claus.

Barney: No I won’t.

Andy: Why not?

Barney: Cause I ain’t gonna be there.

Andy: Well what do you mean you ain’t gonna be there?

Awe, not cause I picked at you a little bit about Hilda Mae?

Barney: Oh, naw, naw, naw. That ain’t it.

Andy: Then what is it then?

Barney: Well as long as we got us some prisoners in the cell, somebody’s got to be on duty.

Andy: Oh, yeah, that does make a problem don’t it?

Barney: Yeah, sure does. With a little practice I could’a done a pretty mean Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

Andy: Hey Barney. I just had a thought. Now what have we got them boys in there for?

Barney: We’ll Mansel was disturbing the peace. (Andy interrupts)

Andy: Naw, naw, that ain’t what I mean. We got ‘em in there to try to teach ‘em a lesson ain’t that right?

Barney: Yeah.

AndyL Yeah. We’ll don’t that make them kinda like students and us kinda like teachers and this here jail here kinda like a school?

Barney: Yeah.

Andy: Yeah. We’ll everybody knows that students get a vacation from school during Christmas.

Barney: Yeah!

Andy: Yeah. Sure. Alright students, I’m gonna let you out of school until after Christmas.

Now listen here now, any student that is not back as soon as Christmas is over is gonna be picked up by this truant officer right here and do a whole lot of staying after school. Now you understand that?

(They agree, of course).

Andy: Alright, school’s dismissed! Merry Christmas. Be careful crossing the street and don’t drink too much.

(to Barney) Well now I don’t see why we got to have a teacher on duty with an empty school, do you?

Barney: No! Hey listen Andy. How’s this sound to you? Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

Andy: That sounds like the best Santy Claus I ever heard!

(Ben and Sam enter the courthouse)

Ben: Get in there. Alright Sheriff, lock him up.

Andy: Well, what for?

Ben: Moonshining. I caught him red handed (jug in hand) and here’s the evidence.

Andy: (smells its) Well I have to admit, it ain’t exactly iced tea. What do you think Barn?

Barney: (ad lib)

Sam: I wasn’t meaning to sell it Sheriff. I just made up a batch to kind of merry up Christmas.

Ben: Ahah! He admits it! He confessed. Now you heard him Sheriff. Lock him up!

Barney: (whining) Lock him up? But school’s out… I mean….

Ben: Come on Sheriff. Do your duty.

Andy: Well now Ben, you heard him say that he didn’t make it to sell and after all, tomorrow being Christmas and Sam being a family man, and Christmas being a family holiday, I was just wondering if……

Ben: (cuts him off) No sir! I’d like to see how forgiving you’d be if you had a store that sold spirits and half the county was cutting in on your sales by making their own again (like against) the law.

Andy: Well I know how you feel Ben, but like I say, after all, it is Christmas.

Ben: Christmas. Huh!

Andy: Now Ben, I give you my word that right after Christmas I’ll arrest Sam and try him strictly by the law.

Ben: No! And I’m gonna keep my eye on this place and if this here moonshiner ain’t in his cell every minute of the time, I’m gonna report you to the state officials for being derelict of your duty and you know I’ve got enough pull up there to make it stick.

Barney: (whining) But it’s Christmas.

Ben: Christmas. Huh!

(Ben storms out)

Andy: If that ain’t the meanest, awneriest, low downest man. Come on Sam. I’m sorry. I tried to talk to him, but I’ve had dealings with him before and I declare you just can’t do anything with him.

Sam: I sure feel low thinking my family spending Christmas without their pappy.

Barney: Andy, couldn’t you just dismiss school again?

Andy: No, I’m afraid not. Barney, if it was just up to me we could, but this is different and he’s right, he could make a whole lot of trouble for us.

Barney: Yeah, I sure was looking forward to playing Santa Claus. (starts singing Jingle Bells)

Andy: No by dog! There’s more than one way to pluck a buzzard. Yes sir. (Takes Barney over to the side and comes up with a plan).

(Instrumental: Jingle Bells)

(Andy sends Barney to get Ben’s wife Bess and kids, Effie and Billy)

(Andy gets on the phone and moves the party to the courthouse)

(Ben sees them come in. Puts up a fuss)

Andy: Alright, get in there young’uns (puts Sam’s family in jail)

Ben: Alright Sheriff, I warned you I’z gonna be watching out for you shenanigans.

Andy: Shenanigans? I don’t rightly know what you are talking about Ben.

Ben: O, don’t ya. Then why did you bring Sam’s wife and young-uns here?

Andy: Why I was just tending to my sworn duty like you told me to.

Ben: Sworn duty?

Andy: Why certainly. I didn’t let the fact that it was Christmas keep me from arresting ‘em.

Ben: Arresting?

Andy: Yeah.

Andy: (to Bess) Now Bess, did you know that the party of the first part, a Sam Muggins, was making up a batch of moonshine?

Bess: Yes, Sheriff.

Andy: Effie honey, did you know?

Effie: Yes, Sheriff.

Andy: Did you know Billy?

Billy: Yes, Sheriff.

Andy: Now there you go. If that don’t make them accessories before, during, and after the fact, I don’t know what does.

Ben: But, but, but…

Andy: You wouldn’t want me to let three such desperate criminals run around loose in our fair town would you?

Ben: (stutters and stammers)

(Barney comes in with a Christmas tree, Aunt Bee and Opie with food)

Andy- What you got there?

Rafe- A mesh of fresh snap beans. Your Aunt Bea asked me to drop them off here for some kind a doing she’s got going.

Andy- Oh yeah, they’re nice. Must be for the big pot luck supper after the Musi-kal.

Barney practicing- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

(Rafe looks at Andy like, “What is that?”)

Andy- That’s Barney.

Rafe- How long has he been ailing?

Andy- He’s just practicing up on his singing voice.

Rafe- What’s he tryin’ to do to it? (They laugh)

(Barney brings guitar to Andy)

Barney- If you were any kind of friend, you’d be a help and not a hindrance.

Barney- Howdy Rafe, Mayor.

Andy- Alright.

Barney- Give me a C flat on that thang please. I wanna check my pitch.

Andy- Why don’t I just give you a C and let you flatten it out by yourself?

Barney- Just give a C flat Uncle Miltie.

Andy- What do you want to sing?

Andy- I can’t help you out much with any of them, but maybe since you’re doing something from the light classics….You know “Believe me If all Them Endearing Young Charms, don’t ya?

Barney- That Shirley Temple song? Ain’t much of a challenge. It’s alright for a warmer-upper.

(Barney sings it….. badly)

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms.

Which I gaze on so fondly today (Rafe starts interrupting)

Were to change by tomorrow and fleet in my arms.

Rafe- (starts interrupting Barney on the second line) Barney, Barney, Barney.

Rafe- Don’t want to butt in none, but that ain’t how it goes.

Andy- Your endearing wasn’t too charming Barn.

Rafe- It goes la, la, la, la, la, la, al, la, la de, la. That’s how it goes.

Andy- Rafe’s right Barn.

Barney- Well, that’s just another way of doing it. Same song.

Andy- Good thing you showed up, Rafe.

Mayor- Yes, it is.

Andy- Why don’t you sing along?

Mayor- Yes, indeed. Why don’t you sing along Mr. Holister?

Andy- You don’t mind do you Barn?

Barney- Well, no. It will be a little tough for you to keep up Rafe. Just sing along the best you can. Sing along with Barn! (like sing along with Mitch)

Andy- Okay, here we go.

Barney- Hold it! (sprays bug spray in his throat).

(They sing. Rafe kills it. Barney quits right in the middle of it.

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,

Which I gaze on so fondly today.

Were to change by tomorrow

And fleet in my arms

Like fairy gifts fading away.

Thou wouldst still be adored

As this moment thou art

Let thy loveliness fade as it will

And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart

Would entwine itself verdantly still.

(applause sign)

Andy- Hey. Well that was some kind of good. I forgot what a good set of pipes you got on you Rafe.

Andy (to Barney)- Why didn’t you keep singing?

Barney- It wasn’t in my key.

Mayor- Sheriff, I think we’ve found our man. Holister, how would you like to sing with the Mayberry Quartet tomorrow night in the Christmas Musi-kal?

Barney- What?

Rafe- I couldn’t do that.

Andy- Why not?

Rafe- Cause!

Mayor- I’ve never heard such a beautiful singing voice….except for my own of course. How about it?

Andy- I think you’d be a great addition to the quartet, Rafe.

Rafe- Well, since nobody’s around to hear me when I’m singing in the shower, I guess I will.

Andy and Mayor- And thank the Lord for that. Ah, good, good, etc.

(Barney storms out)

Andy- I believe we hurt Barney’s feelings, Mayor.

Mayor- Better we hurt his feelings than him hurting ours by letting him sing. He’ll have to put on his big boy britches and get over it.

Andy- I don’t know if he will.

Mayor- There’s nothing we could do about it Sheriff. That man just CAN NOT sing!

Rafe- Not at lick!

Mayor- You all meet me at the Church to practice. I’ll be there as soon as I practice my solo.

(Mayor sings “O Holy Night) (Scene 6 – Christmas Story follows)

Christmas in Mayberry

Scene 6 – The Christmas Story

Revised- 8-4-22

Sleigh Ride instrumental to start the scene.

(Barney brings in three prisoners).

(Phone rings)

No, I don’t want to be Santy Claus again this year. I was last year. What? Barney? Well I recon I could tell Opie that Santy Claus has been on a diet and lost 50 pounds like Marie Osmond did, again.

I still think he’s a might skinny for the job, but I’ll try.

Hey Barney, say something like Santy Claus.

Barney: (glum) Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas.

Andy: Try puttin’ a poo on the end of it.

Awe nothin’ Aunt Bee, I’z just pickin’ a Barney a little bit.

I’ll be home pretty soon. Couple of hours, I recon. Ain’t much goin’ on down here.

Alright, bye.

Oh boy, we’re gonna have a good time tonight. Aunt Bee’s got everything. We gonna sing and laugh and you’ll be Santy Claus.

Barney: No I won’t.

Andy: Why not?

Barney: Cause I ain’t gonna be there.

Andy: Well what do you mean you ain’t gonna be there?

Awe, not cause I picked at you a little bit about Hilda Mae?

Barney: Oh, naw, naw, naw. That ain’t it.

Andy: Then what is it then?

Barney: Well as long as we got us some prisoners in the cell, somebody’s got to be on duty.

Andy: Oh, yeah, that does make a problem don’t it?

Barney: Yeah, sure does. With a little practice I could’a done a pretty mean Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

Andy: Hey Barney. I just had a though. Now what have we got them boys in there for?

Barney: We’ll Mansel was disturbing the peace. (Andy interrupts)

Andy: Naw, naw, that ain’t what I mean. We got ‘em in there to try to teach ‘em a lesson ain’t that right?

Barney: Yeah.

AndyL Yeah. We’ll don’t that make them kinda like students and us kinda like teachers and this here jail here kinda like a school?

Barney: Yeah.

Andy: Yeah. We’ll everybody knows that students get a vacation from school during Christmas.

Barney: Yeah!

Andy: Yeah. Sure. Alright students, I’m gonna let you out of school until after Christmas.

(They agree, of course).

Andy: Alright, school’s dismissed! Merry Christmas. Be careful crossing the street and don’t drink too much.

(to Barney) Well now I don’t see why we got to have a teacher on duty with an empty school, do you?

Barney: No! Hey listen Andy. How’s this sound to you? Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

Andy: That sounds like the best Santy Claus I ever heard!

(Ben and Sam enter the courthouse)

Ben: Get in there. Alright Sheriff, lock him up.

Andy: Well, what for?

Ben: Moonshining. I caught him red handed (jug in hand) and here’s the evidence.

Andy: (smells its) Well I have to admit, it ain’t exactly iced tea. What do you think Barn?

Barney: (ad lib)

Sam: I wasn’t meaning to sell it Sheriff. I just made up a batch to kind of merry up Christmas.

Ben: Ahah! He admits it! He confessed. Now you heard him Sheriff. Lock him up!

Barney: (whining) Lock him up? But school’s out… I mean….

Ben: Come on Sheriff. Do your duty.

Andy: Well I know how you feel Ben, but like I say, after all, it is Christmas.

Ben: Christmas. Huh!

Andy: Now Ben, I give you my word that right after Christmas I’ll arrest Same and try him strictly by the law.

Barney: (whining) But it’s Christmas.

Ben: Christmas. Huh!

(Ben storms out)

Andy: If that ain’t the meanest, awneriest, low downest man. Com on Sam. I’m sorry. I tried to talk to him, but I’ve had dealings with him before and I declare you just can’t do anything with him.

Sam: I sure feel low thinking my family spending Christmas without their pappy.

Barney: Andy, couldn’t you just dismiss school again?

Andy: No, I’m afraid not. Barney, if it was just up to me we could, but this is different and he’s right, he could make a whole lot of trouble for us.

Barney: Yeah, I sure was looking forward to playing Santa Claus. (starts singing Jingle Bells)

Andy: No by dog! There’s more than one way to pluck a buzzard. Yes sir. (Takes Barney over to the side and comes up with a plan).

(Instrumental: Jingle Bells)

(Andy sends Barney to get Ben’s wife Bess and kids, Effie and Billy)

(Andy gets on the phone and moves the party to the courthouse)

(Ben sees them come in. Puts up a fuss)

Andy: Alright, get in there young’uns (puts Sam’s family in jail)

Ben: Alright Sheriff, I warned you I’z gonna be watching out for you shenanigans.

Andy: Shenanigans? I don’t rightly know what you are talking about Ben.

Ben: O, don’t ya. Then why did you bring Sam’s wife and young-uns here?

Andy: Why I was just tending to my sworn duty like you told me to.

Ben: Sworn duty?

Andy: Why certainly. I didn’t let the fact that it was Christmas keep me from arresting ‘em.

Ben: Arresting?

Andy: Yeah.

Andy: (to Bess) Now Bess, did you know that the party of the first par, a Sam Muggins, was making up a batch of moonshine?

Bess: Yes, Sheriff.

Andy: Effie honey, did you know?

Effie: Yes, Sheriff.

Andy: Did you know Billy?

Billy: Yes, Sheriff.

Andy: Now there you go. If that don’t make them accessories before, during, and after the fact, I don’t know what does.

Ben: But, but, but…

Andy: You wouldn’t want me to let three such desperate criminals run around loose in our fair town would you?

Ben: (stutters and stammers)

(Barney comes in with a Christmas tree, Aunt Bee and Opie with food)

Ben: I just want to know what’s going on here that’s all. This is disgraceful. A prison is a place for punishing, not picnicking.

(Barney give the tree to Sam)

Finish