(Original and slightly used comedy by Rick Clarke)
I loved Johnny Carson and his character, Carnac the Magnificent. His sidekick Ed McMahon was also a huge part of the bit. So I created my own character, CLARNAC the Magnificent and created my own material and borrowed some from a few others as a tribute to Carson and mostly for my own amusement. 🙂
The History of Carnac
Carnac the Magnificent, a turbaned psychic, could answer questions before seeing them.
Carnac had a trademark entrance in which he always turned the wrong direction when coming onstage and then tripped on the step up to Johnny Carson‘s desk during his 30-year run on the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-1992). (In one episode, technicians rigged Carson’s desk to collapse when Carnac fell onto it.)
These comedic missteps were an indication of Carnac’s true prescient abilities. Ed McMahon would hand Carson a series of envelopes containing questions said to have been “hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls’ porch since noon today.”
Carson would place each envelope against his forehead and predict the answer, such as “Gatorade”. Then, he would read the question: “What does an alligator get on welfare?” Some of the jokes were feeble, and McMahon used pauses after terrible puns and audience groans to make light of Carson’s lack of comic success (“Carnac must be used to quiet surroundings”), prompting Carson to return an equal insult.
Pat McCormick wrote some of the zaniest Carnac material. The one that had McMahon and Carson nearly rolling on the floor with sustained laughter was “Sis boom bah”. The Question – “Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes.” It took Carson 53 seconds to regain his composure. McMahon belly laughed genuinely during that time. (See clip below)
McMahon would always announce near the end, “I hold in my hand the last envelope,” at which the audience would applaud wildly, prompting Carnac to pronounce a comedic “curse” on the audience, such as “May a flock of wild geese leave a deposit on your breakfast!”, “May your sister elope with a camel!”, “May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister”, or the most famous: “May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!”
The character was taken from Steve Allen‘s essentially identical “Answer Man” segment, which Allen performed during his tenure as host of The Tonight Show in the 1950s. As Allen acknowledged in his book The Question Man, this bit had been created in Kansas City in 1951 by Bob Arbogast and used on The Tom Poston Show in New York where it eventually ended up on The Steve Allen Show, much to the surprise of both Bob and Steve. The Carnac character and routine also closely resemble Ernie Kovacs‘ “Mr. Question Man.”
If you’ve never seen it, check out the routine below.
Here’s how it goes:
Ed’s Intro: Ladies (if any) and gentlemen. This is a very exciting evening for us at ______________________. We have in the building tonight that great visitor from the East. The famous sage and soothsayer, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-omniscient, a weekend proctologist, and former Twitter advisor for President Donald J. Trump…. let’s have a big round of applause for Clarnac the Magnificent.
Snake Charmer Music
Ed: Welcome, welcome, a thousand welcomes.
Clarnac: Sim, sola, bim.
Ed: Those are your three children?
Clarnac: The three I know of.
Ed: I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed and kept in a #2 size mayonnaise jar on Dr. Fauci’s porch since noon today. NO ONE! knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and borderline mystical way will ascertain the questions having never before seen the answers. Is that about right, sir?
Clarnac: We’ll see how it goes, if Clarnac can find his reading glasses. It’s hard to divine when you can’t see. Where’s the exit sign? Sometimes Clarnac has to leave quickly.
Ed: (Ed points to the nearest exit and hands Clarnac the first envelop and says) Envelop number 1.
Clarnac: Clarnac needs complete silence.
Ed: Often times, that’s exactly what Clarnac gets.
Clarnac: (Glares at Ed) Clarnac is supposed to be the funny guy. You’re the straight man. Oh, I forgot! You’re not a straight man.
Note: Some of Clarnac’s comebackers when he bombs:
- This crowd would applaud for a train wreck.
- Clarnac needs closed captioning (or that weird looking interpreter that Tate Reeve’s used during Covid).
- This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast.
- Clarnac doing verbal comedy bit for the hearing impaired.
- May a diseased yak leave a gift on your new carpet.
- If laughter is the best medicine, this crowd doesn’t have a prescription.
- May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your jock strap.
- May a toothless holy man give your grandmother a hickey.
- May the nurse in your hospital room bring you a frozen bed pan.
- May a diseased shih tzu hump your grandmother’s good leg.
- I bet you would laugh if I took my clothes off.,,, (one, two, three) I do.
For the best experience, scroll down to the bottom of photos where you can see the answer, but not the question. After reading the answer, scroll down for the punch line and laughter. Please do not read while driving. Organized in groups of 10. The newest volumes come first.
I bet they will make you laugh. 🙂
Volume #19 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Diet Coke
What did comedian Richard Pryor start using when his nose got too fat from snorting coke? 🙂
Envelop #2
The Answer: They found no brain activity.
The Question: What was the result of Joe Biden’s latest colonoscopy. 🙂
Envelop #3
The Answer: A fat chance.
The Question: What chance does Chris Christie have to be elected President of the United States?
Envelop #4
The Answer: The U.S. Capitol
The Question: What building would have to be in Iran for Lindsey Graham to bomb those responsible for the unrest in the Middle East?
Envelop #5
The Answer: 1 million dollars.
The Question: How much was Hunter Biden paid to mow the White House lawn?
Volume #19 to be continued…. In the meantime, enjoy the other 18 volumes.
Volume #18 – Envelop #1
The Answer: El Chapo, Pardue Pharma, Pfizer
The Question: Name three infamous drug dealers.
Envelop #2
The Answer: His partners.
The Question: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
Envelop #3
The Answer: A bunch of Christians.
The Question: Who should perform at a Drag Queen’s kid’s school library?
Envelop #4
The Answer: Killing My TV Career
The Question: What is Bill O’Reilly’s next book in his Killing Series?
Envelop #5
The Answer: Because he wanted to see his long lost son.
The Question: Why did the rooster buy a chicken sandwich?
Clarnac’s comebacker to the boo’s and groans: “This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast.”
Envelop #6
The Answer: A whole month.
The Question: What is the only thing Clarnac lost on his 30 day diet?
Envelop #7
The Answer: Me, Myself and I
The Question: What pronouns does Donald Trump identify as?
Envelop #8
The Answer: Liar, Liar Pantsuit on Fire.
The Question: What nursery rhyme do kids scream every time Hillary Clinton opens her mouth?
Envelop #9
The Answer: 7 feet tall.
The Question: How tall would Nancy Pelosi be if they ironed out all her wrinkles?
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: I bet if I took my clothes off you’d laugh.
The Answer: She sold them on Ebay.
The Question: What did Caitlin Jenner do with her unused “Y” chromosomes.
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music.
Volume #17 – Envelop #1
The Answer: No more white meat chicken or vanilla shakes.
The Question: What is the first step the new Chick-Fil-A VP for Diversity, Equality and Inclusion (DEI) plans to take?
Envelop #2
The Answer: Highway to Hell
The Question: What is the name of Celine Dion’s new single?
Envelop #3
The Answer: Just one time.
The Question: How many times in her whole life did Barbie Bassett say “Fo shizzle my nizzle?”
Envelop #4
The Answer: Exercise and alcohol.
The Question: Name two things that make you look better naked.
Envelop #5
The Answer: Gisele Bündchen and Rob Gronkowski.
The Question: Name two of the world’s greatest tight ends that Tom Brady lost last season.
Envelop #6
The Answer: A politician.
The Question: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Envelop #7
The Answer: “Wait!!!” “Oh my God!!!”
The Question: What was Peter Singer, the world’s most formidable atheist, heard screaming just before he died and went to hell?
Envelop #8
The Answer: I’m safe!!
The Question: What did Clarnac say after he heard that Monkey Pox could be spread during intimate physical contact such as kissing, cuddling, or sex?
Envelop #9
The Answer: LGBTQ
The Question: What are the only letters in Campbell’s new Woke Alphabet Soup?
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: (need line)
The Answer: When he stumps his toe in the dark.
The Question: When is the only time evangelist Joel Osteen ever says the name Jesus? 🙂
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent.
Snake Charmer Music.
Volume #16 – Envelop #1
The Answer: The one in the middle.
The Question: Donald Trump, Chris Christie and Ron DeSantis on the debate stage. Which one is the “elephant in the room?”
Envelop #2
The Answer: And the Money.
What did the FCC require the law firm to add to the advertising slogan, Morgan and Morgan: For the People?
Envelop #3
The Answer: Chokweantarlumumbaitis.
The Question: What dreaded disease are many citizens of Jackson, Mississippi suffering from, which the vaccine won’t cure and can only be voted out of the system?
Envelop #4
The Answer: At Chick Fil A drive-thrus
The Question: Where will all voting precincts be located in 2024; quicker, more efficient and more chikin!
Envelop #5
The Answer: Check to see if he is alive.
The Question: What is the first thing Mitch McConnell’s aids do each morning?
Envelop #6
Volume #15 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Adderall Pop-Tarts.
The Question: What is Joe Biden’s favorite breakfast food?.
Envelop #2
The Answer: A brain and a half.
The Question: What would you have if you added Joe Bidens, Kamala Harris and Mark Fetterman’s brains together? Maybe.
Envelop #3
The Answer: A toaster and a radio.
The Question: What did Clarnac’s loving parents give him as bath toys?
Envelop #4
The Answer: A standing ovulation.
The Question: What did the motivational speaker get after his great pep talk at a fertility clinic?
Envelop #5
The Answer: Marriage and insanity.
The Question: Name two related things that both require commitment.
Envelop #6
The Answer: It’s been 10 of the best years of my life.
The Question: What did Clarnac’s wife say on their 50th wedding anniversary.
Envelop #7
The Answer: FU
The Question: If Biden was in school what would his grade in presidency be?
Envelop #8
The Answer: Abraham Lincoln
The Question: Who was president when Nancy Pelosi was elected to Congress?
Envelop #9
The Answer: Premature Exacerbation.
The Question: What did Trump have with Stormy Daniels until he found out she owed him 300 thousand dollars in legal fees?
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.
The Answer: Because he had his nuts in his mouth.
The Question: Why was the squirrel so slow crossing the road?
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music.
Volume #14 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Okay, you’re ugly too.
The Question: What did Clarnac’s doctor tell him when he asked for a second opinion.
Envelop #2
The Answer: Through the Nordstream 2 Pipeline (Joke written before the CIA blew up the pipeline)
The Question: With all the alcoholics in Germany how do they import vodka from Russia?
Envelop #3
The Answer: The My Mute Button
The Question: What is the most popular item from the My Pillow guy Mike Lindel that people can use during his TV commercials.
Envelop #4
The Answer: He couldn’t stop Putin.
The Question: Why was Joe Biden put in the hospital by his gastroenterologist?
Envelop #5
The Answer: Because you can see right through them.
The Question: What do politicians mean when they say they’re transparent?
Envelop #6
The Answer: Dinosaurs and Rinos
The Question: Name the most common animals in the Republican party zoo,
Envelop #7
The Answer: A month. (A repeat, for some reason)
The Question: What is the only thing Clarnac lost on his 30 day diet?
Envelop #8
The Answer: Bhaskara’s Overbalanced Wheel and Donald Trump’s mouth.
The Question: Name two things that are always in perpetual motion.
Envelop #9
The Answer: What, again?
The Question: What did his wife say when Clarnac said he wanted to die in bed?
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (Crowd applauds) #10
Clarnac: This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast.
The Answer: Nikki Haley
The Question: Who is the neocon candidate for president known Dick Cheney with 5 inch heels?
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 13 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Viagra, Cialis, Iverection and the Pfizer Rizer
The Question: What products do old men use to keep them from rolling out of bed at night?
Envelop #2
The Answer: The kind that doesn’t help anybody.
The Question: What kind of doctor is Dr. Jill Biden?
Envelop #3
The Answer: Caitlin Jenner
The Question: Who is the only trans-female that ever won a sporting event as a male?
Envelop #4
The Answer: Kamala Harris
The Question: Who is the face of artificial intelligence?
Envelop #5
The Answer: A tort lawyer in an orange jump suit.
The Question: What is the new mascot at Ole Miss?
Envelop #6
The Answer: Between 30 and 110.
The Question: How old do you have to be to serve in the United States House and Senate?
Envelop #7
The Answer: 22 below zero.
The Question: What is Biden’s current approval rating?
Envelop #8
The Answer: The U.S. Constitution
The Question: What was the first reading assignment in Kentaji Brown Jackson’s book club?
Envelop #9
The Answer: Jesus and Joseph Smith.
The Question: Name two people the Utah Ute’s football team thanked when they beat USC for the Pac 12 championship.
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: Oh, shutup!
The Answer: Quid, Pro and Quo.
The Question: What does the Ukraine House of Corruption call the three Biden boys?
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 12 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Become a professional politician.
The Question: What is a sure way to never tell the truth again?
Envelop #2
The Answer: “Take my wives. Please.”
The Question: What would comedian Henny Youngman’s signature joke be if he was a bigamist? Click here for 2 minutes of Henny.
Envelop #3
The Answer: A Bloody Mary.
The Question: What is Count Dracula’s favorite drink?
Envelop #4
The Answer: She sold them on Ebay. (I’m only repeating this one because it’s funny)
The Question: What did Caitlin Jenner do with her unused “Y” chromosomes?
Envelop #5
The Answer: Performance enhancing testicles.
The Question: What did Lia Thomas have that the other competitors did not have in the NCAA Division-1 Women’s Swimming Championships in 2022?
Envelop #6
The Answer: Me, myself and I. (It’s so true I told it twice)
The Question: What pronouns does Donald Trump identify by?
Envelop #7
The Answer: A panty raid.
The Question: What was the justification for the FBI raiding Melania’s closet at Mar-a-Lago?
Envelop #8
The Answer: Trump and Putin.
The Question: Ironically, who are the only two people not involved in the Russian collusion scandal?
Envelop #9
The Answer: Kamala Harris
The Question: Who is the first affirmative action vice president in U.S. History?
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.
The Answer: TBA
The Question: TBA
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake charmer music.
Volume 1 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Bend over.
The Question: What’s a great name for a proctologist? (Ben Dover) 😁
Envelop #2
The Answer: 6019888888
The Question: What is Richard Schwartz’ fee if he collects for you? 😁
Envelop #3
The Answer: Nancy Pelosi’s face.
The Question: What is the most compelling reason for a mask mandate? 😁
Envelop #4
The Answer: Sam Quint, Jonah, and Osama Bin Laden.
The Question: Name a person bitten by a shark, a person swallowed by big fish, and a person shot by a seal (a Navy Seal). 😁
Envelop #5
The Answer: At least you can get four quarters out of a dollar.
The Question: What’s the difference between a dollar bill and LeBron James? 😁
Envelop #6
The Answer: Lie, Cheat, and Steal.
The Question: Name three synonyms for politician? 😁
Envelop #7
The Answer: Gus, Eeyour, and Dr. Fauci.
The Question: Name a mule, a donkey, and a jackass. 😁
Envelop #8
The Answer: Fried Chicken.
The Question: What is the official state bird of Mississippi? 😁
Envelop #9
The Answer: She got a divorce.
The Question: How did Clarnac’s wife lose 240 pounds of unwanted fat? 😁
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (crowd cheers) #10
Carnac Comeback: May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your underpants.
The Answer: This too shall pass.
The Question: What words of encouragement can you give to a person with a kidney stone? 😁
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 2 – Envelop #1
The Answer: She took off her makeup.
The Question: How did Marie Osmond lose 50 pounds with NutriSystem? 😁
Envelop #2
The Answer: Joel Osteen.
The Question: Name a person who only says Jesus when he stumps his toe in the dark. 😁
Envelop #3
The Answer: Gerry Mandering.
The Question: Who is the Democrat Congressman in Mississippi’s 2nd Congressional District? 😁
Envelop #4
The Answer: Dumbo, Eeyour, and Mitt Romney.
The Question: Name an elephant, a donkey, and a Rino. 😁
Envelop #5
The Answer: Larry the Cable Guy
The Question: Name a person who looks like Elmer Fudd, talks like Gomer Pyle, and dresses like Ellen Degeneres. 😁
Envelop #6
The Answer: A good start.
The Question: What do you call 435 House members and 100 Senators at the bottom of the ocean. 😁
Envelop #7
The Answer: Let’s Go Brandon!
The Question: What new rap tune has replaced “Hail to the Chief” as the president’s walk-up song? 😁
Envelop #8
The Answer: An Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and two Golden Globes.
The Question: Name five things Dolly Partin has. 😁
Envelop #9
The Answer: The quick and the dead.
The Question: What do you call pedestrians trying to cross I-220? 😁
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (crowd cheers) #10
Carnac Comeback: May the nurse in your hospital bring you a frozen bedpan.
The Answer: 36-24-36 and 365
The Question: What are Kim Kardashian’s measurements? 😁
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music.
Volume 3 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Howdy Doody, Jerry Mahoney, and Joe Biden.
The Question: Name three famous puppets. 😁
Envelop #2
The Answer: Impeach.
The Question: Name Nancy Pelosi’s favorite flavored fruit drink. 😁
Envelop #3
The Answer: Sixty and I Know It.
The Question: What’s the name of Madonna’s latest hit single? 😁 (Was Sexy and I Know It)
Envelop #4
The Answer: Chicago.
The Question: Name the one place more dangerous than Kabul, Afghanistan. 😁
Envelop #5
The Answer: Killing My TV Career
The Question: What is Bill O’Reilly’s latest book in his Killing Series? 😁
Envelop #6
The Answer: 2 million, 83 thousand, three-hundred thirty-three dollars and thirty three cents per pound.
The Question: How much is Oprah Winfrey worth? 😁
Envelop #7
The Answer: Rod Blogojevich.
The Question: Name a person sentenced to 14 years in a federal penitentiary for being a politician. 😁
Envelop #8
The Answer: An I-Phone, a cable bill, and a BMW lease.
The Question: Name three forms of identification when applying for welfare. 😁
Envelop #9
The Answer: Kermit the Frog, Shrek, and Al Gore.
The Question: Name the only three people in the world making any money off “going green.” 😁
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (Crowd applauds) #10
Clarnac: May a toothless holy man give your grandmother a hickey.
The Answer: Fast and Furious.
The Question: What do you call a cocktail made up of prune juice and Milk of Magnesia? 😁
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 4 – Envelop #1
The Answer: A Southern Baptist.
The Question: What do you call a Methodist who is not afraid of water? 🙂
Envelop #2
The Answer: Big Ben, Dak Prescott, and a politician’s campaign promises.
The Question: Name a clock, a jock, and a crock. 🙂
Envelop #3
The Answer: Sinking faster than the Titanic.
The Question: Describe the U.S. economy under the “Obiden” administration. 🙂
Envelop #4
The Answer: I do.
The Question: What is the longest sentence in the world? 🙂
Envelop #5
The Answer: Ted Cruz.
The Question: Who is the biggest conservative in the Republican Party? 🙂 (Wait for it!)
Envelop #6
The Answer: Chris Christie.
The Question: Who is the largest conservative in the Republican Party? 🙂
Envelop #7
The Answer: A hooker.
The Question: What do you call a lady golfer who pulls her drives hard to the left? 🙂 Clarnac: Get your mind out of the gutter.
Envelop #8
The Answer: A transvestite.
The Question: What do you call a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary? 🙂
Envelop #9
The Answer: LGBTQ.
The Question: How do you spell lahgahbahtahqua? 🙂
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (Crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast.
The Answer: Hurry up.
The Question: Name a drink made up of 7-Up and prune juice. 🙂
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent.
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 5. Envelop #1
The Answer: Ditcher, Quick, and Hyde.
The Question: Name a good local divorce law firm. 🙂
Envelop #2
The Answer: XXXL
The Question: What is the name the new Disney fat stripper movie. 🙂
Envelop #3
The Answer: MS-13
The Question: What highway would you take to get from Mendenhall to Puckett? 🙂 (Joke only good for Central Mississippi folks)
Envelop #4
The Answer: Liar, Liar, Pantsuit on Fire.
The Question: Name a children’s nursery rhyme to be screamed every time Hillary Clinton opens her mouth. 🙂
Envelop #5
The Answer: Poker Face.
The Question: What would a lot of people like to do to Lady Gaga? 🙂 (That’s a Lady Gaga song)
Envelop #6
The Answer: 36-24-36 and 9.
The Question: What are Caitlin Jenner’s measurements? 🙂
Envelop #7
The Answer: NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN, PBS, FOX News and a Crowbar.
The Question: Name 8 things that will soften your brain. 🙂
Envelop #8
The Phantom of the Opera, The Lion King, and Donald Trump’s mouth.
The Question: Name three things in New York that may run forever. 🙂
Envelop #9
The Answer: Ben Gay.
The Question: Why didn’t Mrs. Franklin have any kids? 🙂
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. (Crowd applauds) #10
Clarnac: This crowd was applaud for a train wreck.
The Answer: Eat Here. Get Gas.
The Question: What is the new slogan at Taco Bell? 🙂
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent?
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 6 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Chicken Teriyaki*
The Question: Who is the longest surviving member of the Japanese Air Force? 🙂
Envelop #2
The Answer: A Baptist preacher and a College football coach.
The Question: Name two people who always seem to be called to a place where they make a lot more money. 🙂
Envelop #3
The Answer: Talking in your sleep. 🙂
The Question: What’s the only way to get your spouse to listen to you? 🙂
Envelop #4
The Answer: “Put It Back Like You Found It.”
The Question: What is the new campaign slogan for Republicans in 2024? 🙂
Envelop #5
The Answer: A condor, a bald eagle and a snail darter.
The Question: What are three things less endangered than our freedom? 🙂
Envelop #6
The Answer: Wuhan
The Question: How do you say Fauci in Mandarin? (Dr. Wuhan) 🙂
Envelop #7
The Answer: 22 below zero.
The Question: What is Kamala Harris’ approval rating? 🙂
Envelop #8
The Answer: They are both full of crap.
What do diapers and politicians have in common? 🙂
Envelop #9
The Answer: A diamond ring.
The Question: What is the female version of Viagra? 🙂
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop! (Crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: May a diseased yak leave a gift on your new carpet.
The Answer: Because they want to.
The Question: Why do most married men die before their wives? 🙂
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 7 – Envelop #1
The Answer: Kids, drunk people and tight yoga pants.
The Question: Name three things that always tell the truth. 🙂
Envelop #2
The Answer: Marriage.
The Question: What is the leading cause of divorce? 🙂
Envelop #3
The Answer: A lawyer with his brief case.
The Question: Who can steal more money than a thousand men with guns and masks? 🙂
Envelop #4
The Answer: Confused, weak, feeble, and uncertain.
The Question: Name four traits you have to have to be president in 2023. 🙂
Envelop #5
The Answer: But then I repeat myself.
The Question: Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were in Congress. 🙂
Envelop #6
The Answer: They found no brain activity.
The Question: What was the result of Joe Biden’s colonoscopy? 😁
Envelop #7
The Answer: Under Willie Brown and through Joe Biden’s colon.
The Question: What is Kamala Harris’ strange path to the presidency? 🙂
Envelop #8
The Answer: Hunter and the hooker.
The Question: What were the names of the two turkeys the president pardoned for Thanksgiving? 🙂
Envelop #9
The Answer: No more years! No more years! No more years!
The Question: What would be an adequate chant at Democrat rallies for 2024? 🙂
Ed: I hold in my and the last envelop. (crowd cheers). #10
Clarnac: May a diseased shih tzu hump your grandmother’s good leg.
The Answer: Uranus.
The Question: What is Pete Buttigieg’s favorite planet? 🙂
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
Volume 8, Envelop #1
The Answer: Kamala Harris
The Question: Who is the face of Artificial Intelligence? (Also who is the first Affirmative Action Vice President in U.S. history)
Envelop #2
The Answer: Because they are afraid someone will clean them.
The Question: Why do they lock gas station restrooms? 🙂
Envelop #3
The Answer: Toot and Tuck.
The Question: Where do you go for a drive-through facelift? 🙂
Envelop #4
The Answer: Dr. Ben Casey, Dr. James Kildaire, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Marcus Welby, Granny Moses (Beverly Hills) and Dr. Anthony Fauci.
The Question: Name six fictional T.V. doctors. 🙂
Envelop #5
The Answer: Political Science.
The Question: What is the only kind of science the president, the CDC, the FDA, Fauci, Big Pharma, and the media use to promote their COVID agendas? 
Envelop #6
The Answer: The Senate Intelligence Committee.
The Question: Name one of Washington DC’s many famous oxymorons. 🙂 The other one if OBiden.
Envelop #7
The Answer: To infinity and beyond.
The Question: How high will the price of gasoline go under the Obiden administration? 🙂
Envelop #8
The Answer: Because the employees are smoking the 11 herbs and spices.
Question: Why does the Colonel’s Original Recipe Chicken at KFC not taste the same anymore? 🙂
Envelop #9
The Answer: He unfollowed Putin on Twitter.
The Question: How did Obiden sanction the Russians for invading Ukraine?
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop! (Crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: If laughter is the best medicine, this crowd doesn’t have a prescription.
The Answer: Lillie White.
The Question: What’s the name of Biden’s black, female affirmative action nominee to the Supreme Court?
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
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Volume 10, Envelop #1
The Answer: Fat Tuesday.
The Question: What does Stacy Abrams call Tuesday?
Envelop #2
The Answer: Okay, you’re ugly, too.
The Question: What did Rodney’s doctor tell him when he asked for a second opinion?
Envelop #3
The Answer: Gloria Hallelujah.
The Question: What’s the name of the hooker Clarnac took the prom during his senior year in high school?
Envelop #4
The Answer: Three of the best years of his life.
The Question: What was the third grade to Jackson city councilman Kenny Stokes?
Envelop #5
The Answer: Gun(n) Control.
The Question: What do Democrats (and some Republicans) in the Mississippi House of Representatives wish they had?
Envelop #6
The Answer: A month.
The Question: How much did Clarnac lose on his 30 day diet?
Envelop #7
The Answer: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The Question: Describe how marriage is a 3-ring circus?
Envelop #8
The Answer: He’s 97 and we don’t know where the hell he is.
The Question: My grandpaw walked five miles a day when he was 60.
Envelop #9
The Answer: I didn’t think I had enough gas.
The Question: Clarnac hit a fat lady with my car. She said, “Why didn’t you go around me?”
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop! (Crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: If laughter is the best medicine, this crowd doesn’t have a prescription.
The Answer: The Silver Star Casino.
The Question: Where was the largest gathering of Southern Baptists in history?
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake Charmer Music
Get Moving with NuWay! rickclarke.com
Volume 11: Envelop #1
The Answer: 7 feet, 2 inches.
The Question: How tall would Clarnac have to be for his current weight to be his ideal weight.
Envelop #2
The Answer: He switched to Diet Coke.
The Question: What did comedian Richard Pryor do when his nose got too fat from snorting cocaine?
Envelop #3
The Answer: Russian Collusion.
The Question: What is the name of Trump’s new Vodka?
Envelop #4
The Answer: Formaldehyde.
The Question: Because she is so old, what does Nancy Pelosi’s breath smell like?
Envelope #5
The Answer: 666.
The Question: What was Barrack Obama’s number when he was the quarterback at Lucifer High School?
Envelop #6
The Answer: The Pinocchio Treatment and Recovery Center.
The Question: Where did Jen Psaki go when she resigned as Obiden’s Press Secretary?
Envelop #7
The Answer: They all became gay.
The Question: How did the dinosaurs become extinct?
Envelop #8
The Answer: Noah Daniels and Little Mort.
The Question: Name the two dummies in the Noah Daniels Service Center commercial.
Envelop #9
The Answer: Bend over and say “cheese.”
The Question: What instructions do you get when your proctologist used to be a photographer? 🙂
Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop! (Crowd cheers) #10
Clarnac: I hope it has instructions to get out of here. The crowd is hostile.
The Answer: DOJ-CIA-NSA-IRS-AOC-FBI-BIDEN.
The Question: How do you spell “We are screwed”?
Ed: Clarnac the Magnificent!
Snake charmer music.
Rick Clarke's Diary of a Mad Baseball Coach 