Buddy Butts, the King of the One-Liners, is my standup comedian alter ego, a mixture of Rodney Dangerfield, Henny Youngman and motivational speaker Matt Foley. Buddy reads his jokes from a stack of index cards at a rapid pace, only stopping to take a breath or a puff from his cigar. His trusty drummer, Ringo, equipped with a snare drum and a cymbal, chimes in with a rimshot on the occasional really good ones.
Buddy makes his audience do “spit takes”, gasp for breath, and pee in their pants with non-stop laughter.
His philosophy is ”I just go out there each day and let er rip, and if it ain’t funny, I’ll try it again tomorrow. But I can always take my clothes off if I really need a can’t miss laugh”
We need more laughter; it’s the best medicine in times like these.
Disclaimer: The wife, marriage and sex life jokes are Buddy’s, not mine. 🙂
Enjoy my original and slightly used stand-up comic joke collection.
This is a work in progress, but still funny.
Buddy Butts
Intro: Ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for the king of the one-liners, Mr. Buddy Butts. (entrance to There’s No Business Like Show Business at a fast pace).
Buddy: Hey, what a crowd, what a crowd. (Like Rodney).
I believe the last time I saw this many Baptists in one place it was at the Silver Star Casino.
I’m doing alright now, but last week I was in rough shape.
Wanna hear a joke? (Like Bob Einstein)
Buddy notes: He says “Come on somebody!”, like a Pentecostal evangelist, pleading for a laught after a groaner and then moves on to the next one.
Other audience comebackers… like Carnac. (I bet if I took off my clothes you’d laugh. If laughter is the best medicine, your prescription has expired. This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast. May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your underpants. (both said like Art Fern). Tap the mike, “Is this on?” “I’m checking my Venmo account to make sure I got paid.” Add more)
Categories: My sex life, my wife, my doctor, I’m so fat, I’m getting older, politics, wokeness, baseball, sports, life, etc.
My Sex Life:
My wife cut me down to one time a month. I’m lucky though. I know three guys she cut out completely.
If sex was an aerobic exercise my wife would stop nagging me about exercising with her. (Buddy’s wife).
Sex is anaerobic at best. Quick and exhausting.
It’s not aerobic because it doesn’t last 20-30 minutes (unless you include the begging and CPR).
And it doesn’t happen every other day. It does however, raise the heartrate just by thinking about it. 1 out 3 ain’t bad. Hall of Fame numbers.
My wife and I have sex almost every night of the week. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday…..
We never have sex. We take our clothes off and can’t stop laughing.
My Wife (Buddy’s wife, not mine):
My wife and I have sex almost every night of the week. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday…..
My wife figured out how to lose 240 pounds of unwanted fat… she divorced me.
My wife and I just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. We’ve only been married 20 years, but it sure does seem like 50.
Take my wife….. please! No seriously, take my wife! Please!
Got a letter the other day. It said, “I took your wife, please!”
Some husbands and wives and in a monogamous relationship. Not me and my wife. We are in a monotonous relationship.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand and she lit it.
Golfing great Arnold Palmer’s wife kisses his balls for good luck. My wife just wishes me good luck. I have to kiss my own balls.
My Doctor
I saw my proctologist at a restaurant the other night. I said hello and the guy didn’t even recognize me. So I pulled my pants down and bent over and he said, “Buddy! Nice to see you again.”
He reached out to shake my hand. He was wearing a rubber glove.
He doesn’t shake hands. He gives a high finger.
I told my doctor, “Doc, it hurts when I do this.” He said, “Don’t do that.” Charged me $200.
My doctor gave me six months to live. I said, Doc I can’t pay my bill in six months! He said, “Okay 12 months.”
My proctologist’s name is Dr. Dover. Ben Dover. He was born to be a proctologist. He is a three time winner of the proctologist association’s “Finger of the Month Award.”
When he was taking his proctologistic oath, the guy said, “Stick your finger up my butt and repeat after me…. “I, I, I……” (ay ay ay)
He used to play in the NBA. He put his finger up my wazoo and spun me around like a basketball. I’m just glad he didn’t go for a slam dunk.
He and his wife have to have a therapist over for dinner each night so she can ask him what he did at work today.
Here’s a guy who spent a hundred thousand dollars and 6 years of his life to go to med school and learn to do unto others the things he used to do unto them as a teenager for free, but now he be compensated.
He could have been any kind of doctor he wanted to be, but he chose to go in me where no man has ever gone in before.
He has an index finger that looks like Babe Ruth’s Louisville Slugger baseball bat.
My brother-in-law is a OB-GYN. He came in one night after a long day at the office and his wife said, “Touch me, feel me, kiss me” and he said “Naaaahhh!”
He told his wife he was a plumber so she wouldn’t get jealous.
When Dr. Dover examined me my first thought was, “I’ll give you exactly thirty minutes to stop that.”
When Dr. Dover examined me my first thought was, “If you don’t hurry up I’m gonna pee on your floor.”
When Dr. Dover examined me my first thought was, “I’m not that kind of guy.”
When Dr. Dover examined me my first thought was, “That particular location is an exit not an entrance.”
He said, “Can you hold on for a couple more minutes? I said, “Sure, take your time, but you’re paying me.”
He said, “your prostate gland feels great.” I didn’t know how to answer that. Held up my arms and said “thanks???????” I bet you say that to all the guys. I bet yours does too. (bend over)
He reached out to shake my hand. I declined. Covid.
I saw that huge finger and heard the music from the movie Psycho.
He used to be a photographer. He told me to bend over and say cheese.
The nurse said, “How did it go?” I said, “Great. We’re dating now.”
I told him we can’t do that unless we’re married.
He was going to give me a ring but lost it while probing another guy. He said I get it back from him the day after tomorrow.
He loves being a proctologist. Even his favorite planet is Uranus. Or my anus, or an anus or anuseeees.
The nurse came running in and said “Is everything alright? I heard a little girl screaming.” He pointed to me.
I’m So Fat:
I went on a 30 day diet and all I lost was a month.
I’m so fat. I’ve got more rolls than Colonial Bakery and more chins than a Chinese phonebook (or the PGA).
I’m so fat every time I step on the scales it groans.
I stepped on the scales and the display said “One elephant at a time please.”
I’m so fat my doctor told me to open my mouth and say “Oink.”
I’m so fat. Why the only way I can lose weight is to grow taller.
Right now I’m at my ideal weight if I was 7 foot 2. Okay, 9 foot 2 smart guy.
I’ve given up on losing weight. I’m just going to get strong pall bearers… like John Deere, Gonshiro Kubota, and the world’s strongest man Brian Shaw.
My friend was so fat they dug his grave 6 feet deep, 6 feet long, and 6 feet wide. But they decided to cremate him and when they poured his ashes in the grave it overflowed. Fat guy.
I’m gonna get a special made casket with a dome on the top for my gut.
I’m so fat I got stabbed coming out of the Mayflower and butter oozed out of the knife wound.
My friend Scotty and I have the “gift of gab.” If talking was an aerobic exercise (it is not) he would be Twiggy Dee and I would be Twiggy Dumb.
All my life I’ve been living large and now that I’m 68 I’m living XX large. (Okay, XXL, smart alek).
Instead of turning back the clock tonight, I’m gonna turn back the bathroom scales 20 pounds. (Okay, 40. Smart guy).
How can a 2 pound box of chocolates make me gain 5 pounds?
I hit a fat lady with my car the other night. She said, why didn’t you go around me? I said, “I didn’t think I had enough gas.
Politics:
Trump’s mouth is so big…. (Ringo: “How big is it?”). It’s so big he can put Chris Christie’s stomach in there.
Trumps pronouns are me, myself, and I.
Nancy Pelosi’s favorite flavored fruit drink is called “Impeach.”
When they call the roll in the Senate or the House, the Senators & Representatives don’t know whether to answer “Present” or “Not guilty.”
The most compelling reason for a mask mandate is Nancy Pelosi’s face. If they ironed out all her wrinkles she would be 7 feet tall.
She’s got more plastic than a tupperware set.
In politics it was announced that Ted Cruz is still the biggest conservative in the Republican party and that Chris Christie is still the largest conservative.
Chris Christie pledges that if elected he will be the fattest president since William Howard Taft.
That Hillary Clinton is something else, too. Every time she opens her mouth people start screaming the nursery rhyme Liar, Liar, Pantsuit on Fire.
The only reason the Clinton mafia hasn’t put former chief of staff Dick Morris in a 55 gallon drum in the Gulf of Mexico is because he’s gotten too fat to fit in a 55 gallon drum.
Former president Jimmy Carter just celebrated his 98th birthday. He finally lived long enough not to be considered the worst president in the history of the United States. Although he remains “one of the worst.” He’s hanging around waiting for Joe Obiden to rewrite history.
The most compelling reason for a mask mandate is Nancy Pelosi’s face.
If they ironed out all her wrinkles she would be 7 feet tall.
She’s got more plastic than a tupperware set.
Her husband kissed her and said she tasted like plastic.
When she dies they won’t bury her, they will recycle her.
Wokeness:
Disney’s got a new movie fat stripper movie coming out this summer. It’s called XXXL (triple X L). Think about it. (triple X like a porn movie and XXXL like a huge shirt size). Come on somebody!
They’re teaching the kids a new alphabet in schools – ABCDEFGHIJKLBTGQ. X and Y were left out because they are chromosomes and they didn’t want to confuse the children.
I say we add adultery, fornication, and masturbation to the list. Get ’em all in. Equity. LGBTQAFM
There’s new math, too. 1 plus 1 still equals 2, but 1 + 1 + 1 is a threesome.
I heard that Cailyn Jenner is selling all her unused “Y” chromosomes on Ebay.
My Parents:
We didn’t have any pets. My parents treated us like dogs.
I’m So Old:
Baseball:
Trans/Gay Stuff:
Bruce Jenner transitioned to become Caitlyn Jenner at 67 years old. I know 67 year old woment who don’t even want to be 67 year old women.
He got a deal though. He missed menopause.
Everybody has lost their minds. There’s two new items on the questionnaire at the doctor’s office. Males: have you ever been pregnant. Would you like to? The other one is “gender of the week.” All sponsored by Pfizer.
Sports:
With the retirement of Rob Gronkowski and pending divorce from Gisele, Tom Brady has lost two of the greatest tight ends in history.
Getting Old:
I know I’m getting old. I went to the casino and pulled the slot and four prunes appeared. I won a year’s supply of Metamusil.
Getting old ain’t for young people.
You know you’re getting old when you’re standing at the bottom of the stairs and can’t remember whether you were going up or coming down.
Or when you’re holding a door knob and can’t remember if you were coming in or going out.
You know you’re officially a senior citizen when you and your teeth don’t sleep together anymore.
Inside every senior citizen there is a younger person wondering, what the hell happened?
I’m so old that when I went to renew my driver’s license the lady would give me only 3 months.
When I die I want to die just like my grandfather did, peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.
My grandpaw started walking five miles a day when he was 60. He’s now 97 and we don’t know where the hell he is.
I know I’m getting old. I went to the casino and pulled the slot and four prunes appeared. I won a years supply of Metamusel.
My Life:
I remember I was so depressed and was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor of a building. They sent a priest up there and I’ll never forget what he said, “On your mark………”
Marriage:
Kids:
Relationships:
If a man says something in the woods and there’s no woman there to hear him… is he still wrong?
Celebrities:
Larry the Cable Guy used Nutri System and lost 50 pounds AND his sense of humor. It’s hard to be skinny and funny, too. Now he weighs 300 pounds again and does commercials for Gas-X. He’s a riot!!!
I figured out how Marie Osmond lost 50 pounds with Nutri System. She took off her make-up.
Dolly Partin is not worried about dumb blond jokes. She’s certainly not dumb and definitely not blond.
Kim Kardashian’s measurements are 36-24-36 and 365.
Kim told her friend she lost 50 pounds with Nutri System. Her friend looked at her behind and said “I think I found ’em.”
Caitlyn Jenner’s is 36-24-36 and 9. Equity. He just couldn’t part with it. ‘Til death do us part.
The Main Stream Media:
Bill O’Reilly’s next book in his “killing” series is “Killing my TV Career.”
TV Preachers:
These TV evangelists are really something. Why the only time Joel Osteen ever says “Jesus” is when he stumps his toe in the dark.
Beggars:
I saw a beggar standing out in the rain with a sign that said, “I need an umbrella.”
You never see a guy holding a sign that says: “Will work for food or I’m looking for an honest job!”
He had a bigger cell phone than I did.
Nothing bothers me more than a beggar making you wait because he’s on his phone.
A beggar stopped me and told me a sob story about how he ran out of gas and needed $8.65 to get back home to New Orleans which seemed to be the same amount as a bottle of cheap wine, including tax. I told him “this is your lucky day” because I just happen to have a gas can in the back of my truck. He told me to go screw myself.
I was in Jackson and a guy came up and pointed a gun at me and said, your money or your life. I didn’t respond. He said, hey stupid, I said “your money or your life.” I said, “Oh I thought you said my money or my wife.” I’m thinking. I’m thinking. (like Jack Benny).
I gave a beggar $5 but he had to promise me he would go get a drink. He looked like he needed a drink.
Lawyers:
General:
I shot an elephant in my pajamas last night. (Like Groucho) How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
I went to the restroom at a restaurant and the signs on the doors said sausage and biscuit. I had to stop and think about it. And when I went back to my table I couldn’t eat my sausage or my biscuit.
The vagina is a strange place. Guys spend nine months trying to get out of there and the rest of their lives trying to get back in.
The official state bird of Mississippi is fried chicken. The new state flower is pot.
Larry the Cable Guy looks like Elmer Fudd, talks like Gomer Pyle and dresses like Ellen Degeneres.
Dolly Partin has everything; an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and two Golden Globes.
My friend asked me if I played golf. I said, yes, I’m a slicer and my wife’s a hooker. He said I didn’t know your wife played golf. I said, she doesn’t play golf, she’s a hooker.
I just got a new electric vehicle (EV). I think I got screwed though because I found out the 600 mile cord was not included.
I hit a fat lady with my car. She screamed “why didn’t you go around me?” I said, “I didn’t think I had enough gas.”
Got a bill from my lawyer. It was for $600 for 2 hours of talking about baseball. I said, “That’s $300 an hour? Hookers don’t even get $300 an hour!” He said, “yes they do!” Lawyers.
I heard that Cailyn Jenner is selling all her unused “Y” chromosomes on Ebay.
I asked the lady at Chick-fil-a if she says “my pleasure” at home and she said “no, because nobody says thank-you at my house.”
(Note: Still categorizing.)
Set 1: (sets of 10)
With the retirement of Rob Gronkowski and pending divorce from Gisele, Tom Brady has lost two of the greatest tight ends in history.
I saw my proctologist at a restaurant the other night. I said hello and the guy didn’t even recognize me. So I pulled my pants down and bent over and he said, “Buddy! Nice to see you again.”
He reached out to shake my hand. He was wearing a rubber glove.
Trump’s mouth is so big…. (Ringo: “How big is it?”). It’s so big……
Trumps pronouns are me, myself, and I.
Nancy Pelosi’s favorite flavored fruit drink is called “Impeach.”
My wife cut me down to one time a month. I’m lucky though. I know three guys she cut out completely.
If a man says something in the woods and there’s no woman there to hear him… is he still wrong?
I told my doctor, “Doc, it hurts when I do this.” He said, “Don’t do that.” Charged me $200.
My doctor gave me six months to live. I said, I can’t pay my bill in six months! He said, “Okay 12 months.”
Set 2:
I went on a 30 day diet and all I lost was a month.
My wife and I have sex almost every night of the week. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday…..
When they call the roll in the Senate or the House, the Senators & Representatives don’t know whether to answer “Present” or “Not guilty.”
My wife figured out how to lose 240 pounds of unwanted fat… she divorced me.
My wife and I just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. We’ve only been married 20 years, but it sure does seem like 50.
Larry the Cable Guy used Nutri System and lost 50 pounds AND his sense of humor. It’s hard to be skinny and funny, too. Now he weighs 300 pounds again and does commercials for Gas-X. He’s a riot!!!
I know I’m getting old. I went to the casino and pulled the slot and four prunes appeared. I won a year’s supply of Metamusil.
Getting old ain’t for young people.
You know you’re getting old when you’re standing at the bottom of the stairs and can’t remember whether you were going up or coming down.
Or when you’re holding a door knob and can’t remember if you were coming in or going out.
You know you’re officially a senior citizen when you and your teeth don’t sleep together anymore.
Inside every senior citizen there is a younger person wondering, what the hell happened?
Set 3:
I’m so old that when I went to renew my driver’s license the lady would give me only 3 months.
When I die I want to die just like my grandfather did, peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.
Take my wife….. please! No seriously, take my wife! Please!
I shot an elephant in my pajamas last night. (Like Groucho) How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
I figured out how Marie Osmond lost 50 pounds with Nutri System. She took off her make-up.
My proctologist’s name is Dr. Dover. Ben Dover. He was born to be a proctologist. He is a three time winner of the proctologist association’s “Finger of the Month Award.”
When he was taking his proctologistic oath, the guy said, “Stick your finger up my butt and repeat after me…. “I, I, I……” (ay ay ay)
He used to play in the NBA. He put his finger up my wazoo and spun me around like a basketball. I’m just glad he didn’t go for a slam dunk.
I went to the restroom at a restaurant and the signs on the doors said sausage and biscuit. I had to stop and think about it. And when I went back to my table I couldn’t eat my sausage and biscuit.
He and his wife have to have a therapist over for dinner each night so she can ask him what he did at work today.
Set 4:
Here’s a guy who spent a hundred thousand dollars and 6 years of his life to go to med school and learn to do unto others the things he used to do unto them as a teenager for free, but now he can over charge them for it.
He could have been any kind of doctor he wanted to be, but he chose to go in me where no man has ever gone in before.
He has an index finger that looks like Babe Ruth’s Louisville Slugger baseball bat.
I gave a beggar $5 but he had to promise me he would go get a drink. He looked like he needed a drink.
My brother-in-law is a OB-GYN. He came in one night after a long day at the office and his wife said, “Touch me, feel me, kiss me” and he said “Naaaahhh!”
He told his wife he was a plumber so she wouldn’t get jealous.
The vagina is a strange place. Guys spend nine months trying to get out of there and the rest of their lives trying to get back in.
I’m so fat. I’ve got more rolls than Colonial Bakery and more chins than a Chinese phonebook (or the PGA).
I’m so fat every time I step on the scales it groans.
The most compelling reason for a mask mandate is Nancy Pelosi’s face. If they ironed out all her wrinkles she would be 7 feet tall.
She’s got more plastic than a tupperware set.
Set 5:
I’m so fat. Why the only way I can lose weight is to grow taller.
Right now I’m at my ideal weight if I was 7 foot 2. Okay, 9 foot 2 smart guy.
I’ve given up on losing weight. I’m just going to get strong pall bearers… like John Deere, Gonshiro Kubota, and the world’s strongest man Brian Shaw.
My friend was so fat they dug his grave 6 feet deep, 6 feet long, and 6 feet wide. But they decided to cremate him and when they poured his ashes in the grave it overflowed. Fat guy.
I’m gonna get a special made casket with a dome on the top for my gut.
These TV evangelists are really something. Why the only time Joel Osteen ever says “Jesus” is when he stumps his toe in the dark.
Bill O’Reilly’s next book in his “killing” series is “Killing my TV Career.”
The official state bird of Mississippi is fried chicken.
The official state flower of Mississippi is cannabis.
I saw a beggar standing out in the rain with a sign that said, “I need an umbrella.”
You never see a guy holding a sign that says: “Will work for food or I’m looking for an honest job!”
He had a bigger cell phone than I did.
A beggar stopped me and told me a sob story about how he ran out of gas and needed $8.65 to get back home to New Orleans which seemed to be the same amount as a bottle of cheap wine, including tax. I told him “this is your lucky day” because I just happen to have a gas can in the back of my truck. He told me to go screw myself.
I was in Jackson and a guy came up and pointed a gun at me and said, your money or your life. I didn’t respond. He said, hey stupid, I said “your money or your life.” I said, “Oh I thought you said my money or my wife.” I’m thinking. I’m thinking. (like Jack Benny).
Larry the Cable Guy looks like Elmer Fudd, talks like Gomer Pyle and dresses like Ellen Degeneres.
Dolly Partin has everything; an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and two Golden Globes.
In politics it was announced that Ted Cruz is still the biggest conservative in the Republican party and that Chris Christie is still the largest conservative.
My friend asked me if I played golf. I said, yes, I’m a slicer and my wife’s a hooker. He said I didn’t know your wife played golf. I said, she doesn’t play golf, she’s a hooker.
Disney’s got a new movie fat stripper movie coming out this summer. It’s called XXXL (triple X L). Think about it. (triple X like a porn movie and XXXL like a huge shirt size).
I just got a new electric vehicle (EV). I think I got screwed though because I found out the 600 mile cord was not included.
They’re teaching the kids a new alphabet in schools – ABCDEFGHIJKLBTGQ. X and Y were left out because they are chromosomes and they didn’t want to confuse the children.
I say we add adultery, fornication, and masturbation to the list. Get ’em all in. Equity. LGBTQAFM
There’s new math, too. 1 plus 1 still equals 2, but 1 + 1 + 1 is a threesome.
Kim Kardashian’s measurements are 36-24-36 and 365.
Kim told her friend she lost 50 pounds with Nutri System. Her friend looked at her behind and said “I think I found ’em.”
Caitlyn Jenner’s is 36-24-36 and 9. Equity. He just couldn’t part with it. ‘Til death do us part.
I hit a fat lady with my car. She screamed “why didn’t you go around me?” I said, “I didn’t think I had enough gas.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Everything and everybody I know is Gay. My psychiatrist is Gaye. The apparel I don is gay. My favorite singer Marvin is Gay. Disney’s eighth dwarf is Gay. Yeah, he’s dating Happy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I heard that Cailyn Jenner is selling all her unused “Y” chromosomes on Ebay.
I asked the lady at Chick-fil-a if she says “my pleasure” at home and she said “no, because nobody says thank-you at my house.”
Women are demanding equity in everything. So from now on when they ovulate there will be 300 million eggs instead of one. And while we’re at it back the softball fences up to 400 feet. Come on somebody.
When Jeffrey Toobin was interviewed on CNN he was required to keep both hands above the table.
I’m getting old. I told my wife I wanted to die in bed. She said, “What, again?”
My proctologist Dr. Dover used to be a photographer. He told me to bend over and say cheese.
I think everyone should take a sex ed course and learn how unwanted pregnancies and Plan B are caused by a poor Plan A.
Saw a whole bunch of tee ballers coming into Chick-Fil-A with their parents…. between games; it’s only 9 am. The first thing I thought of was “child abuse.” Then it was who in the hell invented t-ball?
I was standing at a urinal and a kid walked up to the one on my left. I moved my left foot to the right and right foot to the right and then I peed on my right foot.
I just started a third political party. It’s call the Notademopublican Party.
There are 360 million people in the U.S. and all we can come up with for leader of the free world is Joey Obiden and Donnie Twitter. God help us all.
Everything I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten. If you’ve got a winky you’re a boy and if you don’t you’re a girl (or a eunuch). And if you’re a boy you don’t need another boy’s winky because you’ve already got one of your own. And if you are girl and want a winky, get married to a boy that’s got one and ya’ll can share it. He’ll love you for it and you’ll love it, too. No exceptions. Signed: God.
If we ever run out of men and women who want to be with each other, it’s gonna be catastrophic. That’s what happened to the dinosaurs. Barney liked boy dinosaurs and _________ like girl dinosaurs. Do the math. Sperm plus sperm equals a mess and eggs plus eggs equals an omelet.
That’s how the dinosaurs became extinct. Every dinosaur with a winky wanted to be with another dinosaur with a winky. And they vanished.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor of a building. They sent a priest up and I’ll never forget the words he said, “On your mark….”
I tell you I can’t relax. The other night I went into a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked me what I was having. I told him, “Surprise me.” He showed my a naked picture of my wife. (okay he showed me a naked picture of your wife)
I never got girls in high school. One girl called me and told me to come on over, there’s nobody home. When I got over there, there was nobody home.
Golfing great Arnold Palmer’s wife used to kiss his balls for good luck. My wife just wished me good luck.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand and she lit it.
When Dr. Dover examined me, my first thought was, “I’ll give you exactly 30 minutes to stop that. When Dr. Dover examined me, my first thought was, “If you don’t hurry up I’m gonna pee all over your floor. When Dr. Dover examined me, my first thought was “I’m not that kind of guy.” When Dr. Dover examined me, my first thought was, “That particular geographical location is definitely an exit, not an entrance.
He asked, “Can you hold on for a couple more minutes?” I said, “Sure, take your time, but you’re paying me.”
He said “your prostate gland feels great.” I didn’t know how to answer that. Held my arms up and say “thanks?” in the form of a question. He said “your prostate gland feels great.” I said, “I bet you say that to all the guys” or I bet yours does, too? Bend over).
He reached out to shake my hand and I declined. Covid.
I saw that huge finger and heard that music from the movie Psycho.
The nurse said, “How did it go?” I said, “Great. We’re dating now.” He was going to give me a ring, but he lost it somewhere.
He’s such a dedicated proctologist. Even his favorite planet is Uranus. (Or my anus. Or an anus. Or anuseeees).
The nurse came running in and said, “Is everything alright, I heard a little girl screaming.” The doctor pointed to me.
I’ve got a friend that’s been married for 43 years. 10 years to the first one, 20 years to the second one and 13 years to the third one. All redheads.
When my parents got a divorce there was a custody hearing for me and nobody showed up.
The most common form of cancer for women is breast cancer. For men it’s prostate cancer. Can a man have breast cancer? Yes. Why? Because men have breasts, too. (some men have larger breasts than their wives). Can a woman have prostate cancer? No. Why? Because women don’t have a prostate gland. Can Caitlyn Jenner have prostate cancer? Yes. (First woman this, first transsexual that. He could be the first woman in history to die of prostate cancer).
Bruce Jenner transitioned to became Caitlyn Jenner at 67 years old. I know 67 year old women who don’t even want to be 67 year old women.
Mississippi is 50th state in the union in just about everything, but we lead the nation in obesity and sexually transmitted diseases, and obese people with STDs. That’s what I call diversity.
Sam Quint in the movie Jaws was bitten by a shark. Jonah in the Bible was swallowed by a big fish. And Osama Bin Laden was shot by a seal….. a Navy seal.
Truth in advertising. Here’s a new slogan for the law firm. Morgan and Morgan. “Morgan and Morgan. For the Money.” Size matters. The size of your fee. The size of our egos. The size of your gullibility.
Richard Schwartz’ phone number is 601-988-8888. It’s also his fee if he collects for you.
Former Chicago mayor Rod Blogojevich got sentenced to 14 years in a federal penitentiary for being a politician.
Did you know you had to present three forms of identification to get welfare? (vote?) An I-Phone, a cable bill, and a BMW lease.
Everybody has lost their mind. Here’s two new items on questionnaires in doctor’s offices: Males have to say if they are or have ever been pregnant? The other one is called Gender of the Week. All sponsored by Pfizer.
The only three people making any money by going green are Kermit the Frog, Shrek, and Al Gore.
A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
If you’re thinking about getting a divorce you should call my attorney at Ditcher, Quick, and Hyde.
Here’s three things from New York that may run forever: Phantom of the Opera, The Lion King, and Donald Trump’s mouth.
I had a friend that snorted cocaine and when his nose got so fat from snorting he switched to Diet Coke. When he finally went to rehab they put him on Coke Zero.
Obiden’s campaign slogan is “Build Back Better Jack”, how about ‘Just Put It Back Like you Found It Jack(ass).”
VP Harris has so much trouble pronouncing her own first name that she changed to Karma-is-a. Karma-is-a Harris. Because “it is a” or because “she is a.”
To all newlyweds. Congrats on your marriage. The good news is: You have reached the mountain top. The bad news: It’s all downhill from here. Hold on tight.
VP Karma-is-a Harris has learned the life lesson of you can sleep your way almost to top.
She’s the face of artificial intellegence.
Chris Christie is conservative in politics, but not caloric intake and portions which are very liberal.
Christie is not running for president. He riding a scooter for president.
He pledges to be the fattest president since William Howard Taft.
Kamala Harris’ strange path the presidency is under Willie Brown and through Joe Biden’s colon.
President Obiden had a colonoscopy the other day. They found no brain activity.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. I think the nurses got in a couple of licks, too.
If I should ever die suddenly while mowing the lawn, please do not say “he died doing what he loved.”
When I was three years old my parents got a dog and I was jealous of the dog and so my parent’s got rid of me.
My wife made me join a Bridge Club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I was a ugly baby too. After the doctor cut the cord he hung himself.
NBA basketball star Lamar Odom overdosed on Cocaine and Viagra. He was unconscious and on life support for three days and still had an erection and scored 43 points and had 12 rebounds the next night.
My urologist Dr. Feelgood prescribed the new pill Iverection for me and he said, “If you have an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours, take two hookers and call me in the morning.” Iverection: It makes you feel like you’re hung like a horse.
I’ve got no sex life. Ten years ago my wife put me on hold. I’ve been holding it ever since.
I joined Gambler’s Anonymous. They gave me 2-1 odds I don’t make it.
I’ve got a smart aleck kid, too. The other day I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about my wife and the mailman.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
It’s not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, we did all we could but he pulled through anyhow.
My wife and I. We never have sex. When we take our clothes off we can’t stop laughing.
My mother-in-law’s breath is so bad that when she smokes she blows onion rings.
When my students finished their semester exams just before holidays, I would tell each one of them “Merry Christmas” as they were leaving. One guy responded, “I don’t believe in Jesus.” I tried to think of something to say and the only thing I could come up with was “go to hell.” Seemed appropriate.
I had a lot of pimples when I was a kid. One day I feel asleep in the library and when I woke up a blind man was reading my face.
My wife can’t cook either. She gave my kid alphabet soup and he spelled out the word HELP.
Dr. Fauci said I had Covid-19 and was probably gonna die. He told me to get vaccinated with an experimental drug with emergency use authorization and unknown side effects, wear two masks, stay 6 feet away from everybody in the world, stop working for a year, shut down my small business, stay in the house, get a booster, binge watch Game of Thrones again, don’t take Ivermectin, and if I turned blue to come the hospital and they would put me on a ventilator in ICU and finish me off. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.” (Disinformation all….except for the second opinion).
I’m so fat when a guy shines my shoes I have to take his word for it.
I wish sex was an aerobic exercise. That would solve all my problems, But it doesn’t last at least 30 minutes and doesn’t happen every other day. The good news is the heartrate elevates, but it does that just thinking about it.
My doctor told me to start jogging five miles a day. I called him the next week and told him I was 45 miles away from my house. He told me to turn around and keep up the good work.
I’m so fat that when I choked on my food at a restaurant, two guys had to hold hands to reach around me to give me the Heimlich.
I was so depressed about being fat that one time I tied my ankles together, jumped of a bridge into the ocean…. and floated… for three days. I got a real bad sunburn which depressed me even more.
I used to be a motivational speaker. One time I was giving a speech at a fertility clinic and when I got through I got a standing ovulation. Zig Ziglar.
I’ve got a friend whose nose got so fat from snorting cocaine that he switched to Diet Coke.
How come when Pat Sajak makes the final spin on Wheel of Fortune he never lands on bankrupt? Rigged system just like the 2020 election.
OJ nemesis Jeffrey Toobin was fired by the New Yorker Magazine. He was caught “with his hand in his cookie jar.” He was allowed to put his hand in other peoples’ cookie jar, but not his own cookie jar, at least while the camera is rolling. You just can’t unsee that stuff. That act is now called Toobing.
On his application for Woke Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg said his favorite planet was Uranus. His favorite building supply was Homo Depot. His favorite sporting goods store was Dick’s. And he shopped for clothes at Gayfers. (are they even still in business). Not that there’s anything wrong with any of that.
I saw on the news that a wife cut off her husband’s winky. She was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Bail was set at $1,000,000. That makes me cringe just to think about it. But he wasn’t too upset. He said it was the first time she had touched it in ten years.
They found it in the garbage disposal and the charges were reduced to assault OF a dead weapon. Now when he pees it sprays like a shower head.
I finally figured out why softball pitchers can pitch every pitch of every game while baseball players cannot. Softball players have have bigger balls. Come on somebody!
The city of Jackson announces two types of drinking water for the city: Regular and chunky style.
Dieting after years of being a fat guy has my body saying WTF?
He tried to give it to Charity, but she said she didn’t want it. She said she didn’t want it because a garbage disposal has germs. (said like a dingbat; rimshot)
My buddy Scott and I have a new name for our diet: TWO LOSERS!
They had a “No Father and Daughter Banquet” in Hollywood last night. All of the Kardashian girls were there…. Khloe, Kris, Kim…..Caitlyn.
I had a tough childhood. My mom never breast fed me. My dad did. (She said she just liked me as a friend.)
I’m from a real dumb family. Why in the Civil War, my great-great grandfather fought for the West.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger and my dad said he wanted more proof.
My wife said she felt romantic. I took her out to a drive inn movie and spent half the night trying to figure out what car she was in.
Are you kidding? I know I’m ugly. I stuck my head out the window the other day and got arrested for mooning. I’m lucky though. If I had been in Las Vegas the cops would have shot me.
I gotta tell you that my wife is a screamer in the bedroom. She’s loud. “Get off of me!” “Don’t touch me!” “I hate you!” “I’m gonna call the police.” She was screamer in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the den, in the house, in her sight, in the car, and in the foreseeable future.
I was touring the Vicksburg Civil War National Park. I love the way they’ve let the weeds, grass, bushes, and overhanging tree limbs grow out of control to make it look as it was 1863. I still don’t know how they fought the Civil War around all those hotels and casinos around.
Mississippi was the 20th state in 1817 and the 50th in 2022. How in the heck did that happen?
I bought a jump rope at Walmart. I told the clerk I’m an old, fat guy trying to get a little private exercise and he said “You’re not old.”
Mathematically speaking, bisexuality immediately doubles your chances to get a date on Saturday night.
A woman might be able to fake an orgasm, but a man can fake a whole relationship. They teach that at the universities now. You can major in either. Fake Orgasms 101.
How in the world can a 2 pound box of candy make me gain 5 pounds?
The longest surviving member of the Japanese Air Force was a guy named Chicken Teriyaki.
Madonna’s got a new hit out. It’s called Sixty and I Know It. (was Sexy and I Know It). It should be She’s Sixty and She Looks It. Her Vericose veins looks like a map of the Mississippi River.
Taco Bell has a new slogan: “Eat Here, Get Gas.”
Grandchildren are God’s reward for you not killing your children.
In the words of the great George Jones, “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.” (Write that down Ringo. That’s a song hook).
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. The two seem to be related (based on what my friend told me about his marriage).
My wife and I don’t cheat on each other. It’s call a monotonous relationship.
My wife and I don’t go to bed early. We stay up all night and fight.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: First there’s the engagement ring. then the wedding ring, and ultimately the suffering.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. How wait a minute, now that I think about it, so is monogamy.
I don’t cheat on my wife. I’ve already got all the woman I can stand.
My wife and I have been married for 38 years. She says it’s been the best 10 years of her life.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for over 30 years and if my wife ever finds out she’ll kill both of us.
Did you know that “I do” is the longest sentence in the English language?
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
The representative from Mississippi’s 2nd congressional district is Gerry Mandering; “my representative is Gerry Mandering.” Lifetime appointment. Your vote doesn’t count.
Trump’s got a new brand of vodka called “Russian Collusion.”
There are a lot of alcoholics in Germany. They just started having wine shipped from Russia through Nord Stream 2. $5 a gallon.
Remember when the FBI did a panty raid in Melania’s closet at Mar-a-Lago? Kinky. Sniffy Joe.
Have you ever wondered how in the world a guy named Sleepy Joe could be so woke?
My wife and I decided to smoke a cigarette after each time we had sex. I’ve got the same pack I had since 1967. But what worries me is my wife is up to three packs a day.
I’ve got my sports confused. I went bowling the other night and bowled a 68. I went to play golf today and shot about 228. Tomorrow I’m gonna bowl a round of golf. Maybe that will work.
The Lakers traded LeBron James to the Seattle Storm of the WNBA for one dollar. The Lakers figured they had a better chance of getting four quarters out of a dollar. (think about it)
I saw where Tiger Woods shot a 78 the other day and wanted to jump off a bridge. If I shot a 78 I’d throw a party… and then play the back nine.
I’m so ugly. I told my wife, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, every day when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. She said, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but your eyesight is perfect.
My mother-in-law ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in.”
I married Mrs. Right. Her first name is Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 12 months. I hate to interrupt her.
Before you criticize somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you’re a mile away from ’em and you have their shoes.
I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
In the words of the great Joe Biden, “Being president is like riding a bicycle….” translation, much like a train wreck.
My Pillow pitchman Mike Lindel’s new My product is the “My Mute Button” to be used every time one of his commercials comes on. It’s his best selling product in history and made in his home state of Minnesota.
Just saw where a lifelong unemployed 73 year old man who lived off the government dole and in his parent’s castle for his entire life, finally landed a job. King of England. Not a bad gig if you live long enough to get it.
When I realized that all my old baseball buddies were 70 or older, I started thinking about who would go first. Probably will go by batting order and leadership. First will be our shortstop who was our leadoff hitter and team captain. Now I’m glad I always batted ninth and was a follower.
OTHER ORIGINAL STUFF:
Top 10 Reasons Why David Letterman Retired-
10. His fan club broke up. The guy died.
9. The gap in the ratings was wider than the gap between his front teeth.
8. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four times, with three of them being Jay Leno and Conan O’Brian, “I quit.”
7. Would be 96 years old when Fallon retires and he could get another shot at The Tonight Show.
6. Moving to the new AARP Channel which targets grumpy, old geriatrics who can relate to his tired old, sarcastic humor.
5. His ratings were lower than Tonight Show veteran Conan O’Brien.
4. Instead of Stupid Pet Tricks and Stupid Human Tricks, the show had turned into Trick Stupid Viewers.
3. TBS already had the most unwatched late night talk show.
2. He’s starting a new show: It’s Too Late, with David Letterman.
And the number 1 reason Letterman is retiring: 2 words (okay, 3): Not funny anymore!
Just survived my early morning cardiac treadmill stress test. Here’s what they found:
1) It took me 12 minutes to walk 6 minutes.
2) I’m at my ideal weight…. if I was 7’2″.
3) If a bear is ever chasing me up a mountain, make sure there is someone running behind me and in front of the bear.
4) He said, “Have you ever smoked?” I said, “Only in the womb.” (Thanks Mom; 1954, before the Surgeon General’s warning in 1964)
5) He said, “We want to elevate your heart rate to 85% of the maximum. Stand up.”
6) I asked the doctor what was clogging up my LAD (the widow maker). He said, “It looks like Kentucky Fried Chicken.” I said, “Original, Krispy, or Spicy?” He said, “Yes.”
7) I asked him if everything was alright. He ran my debit card and said, “It is now.”
8) I asked him when I should come back. He said, “How about next August. I need a new boat.”
This guy is about as funny as my proctologist, Dr. Dover. Ben Dover.
Hear you got a new football coach at Auburn. Yes. Who’s the new coach? Hugh. The new coach. Hugh. I mean the fellow’s name. Hugh. The football coach. Hugh. …Hugh is the football coach! I’m asking you who is the football coach? That’s the man’s name. That who’s name? Yes. Well go ahead and tell me. That’s it. That’s who? Yes….Hugh is the new football coach at Auburn.
Top 10 Reasons We’re Quitting Mayberry:
10. Barney is going to the hospital to have his bud nipped.
9. We are so old we can’t remember our lines and are too blind to read the teleprompter.
8. Paula is getting a real job and doesn’t have time to write any more dorky plays.
7. It’s gotten too hard to whistle the theme song with dentures.
6. We are leading the fight against obesity and will no longer work for food.
5. Andy can’t afford to keep dying his hair.
4. Paula and Ebbie are starting their own reality show called “Keeping Up With the Huttos.”
3. Gomer got married….nuff said.
2. President Obama banned Barney’s handgun.
1. Andy is so fat and gray headed that it’s time to move on to Matlock.
Rick Clarke's Diary of a Mad Baseball Coach 